Here’s how to know when you’re done — and how to talk to your therapist about it.
Your relationship with a therapist can be one of the most meaningful, insightful, and productive collaborations you’ll have in your life. But it should ultimately come to an end — and that’s by design.
“Therapy isn’t supposed to be forever,” says licensed therapist Keir Gaines. “There is an endpoint.”
But when is that endpoint, and how do you recognize when you’ve arrived there? After Gaines gave us the scoop on what you should know before trying therapy, how couples counseling works, and the signs that your work in therapy is paying off, we asked him to share his professional perspective on how you’ll know when it’s time to say goodbye to your counselor — and how to go about ending that relationship.
How do I know when it’s time to leave therapy?
Coming to the conclusion of a therapeutic relationship can feel different than you might have expected.
“Some people feel this impostor syndrome because they get the growth, but it doesn’t feel the way they thought it would,” Gaines says. “They’re like the dog chasing the car that finally catches the car, sinks his teeth into the bumper, and now he’s like, ‘Oh, that’s it?’ But growth is not about the destination. It’s the journey.”
That said, unlike growth, therapy does have an endpoint. That could be 12 weeks, six months, a year, or perhaps longer — it really depends on what’s brought you to therapy and how much time it takes to unpack the issues you’re dealing with. Luckily, your therapist is the perfect guide for navigating that and breaking up these big-picture conversations into manageable pieces.
For example: “When we say the words ‘childhood trauma,’ it’s one thing, but if we compartmentalize it, it’s a million different little pieces for some people,” Gaines says. “It may take us three months to cope with one of those little pieces, and then it may take us 10 years to cope with another of those little pieces.”
Because progress is a continuum, it’s important to understand what will have changed when you reach the endpoint of your therapy. It’s less about solving every single problem and more about having the tools to deal with those problems when they rear their head.
“Once you find a healthy way to cope with something, it doesn’t stop being an issue in your life. It’s never going to stop, but you’re able to deal with it in a way that’s more beneficial to your long-term mental and emotional health,” Gaines says. “When you have the tools to self-regulate, then it’s time to start closing things out. It’s not about forever being in a space where we come together on this one issue. It’s about working on it enough to get to a place where you can self-sustain. You can tread water, and you’re not going to drown.”
It can be helpful to cycle through different therapists during different stages of life
You can always go back to therapy once you’ve “finished” — and it doesn’t have to be with the same person as before.
As humans, we grow and change through the years, and so do our needs. And that means the person who helped you so tremendously during one time period may not be the right choice for another.
“As people move through their therapy journey, one thing they should consider is that sometimes a therapist is very good for you in a particular space and time in your life, or a particular issue that you’re dealing with,” Gaines says. “The interventions that worked for you at 20 may not work for you at 25 or at 35. Different people have different specialties that fit what you need in a particular space in your life, and that is absolutely OK.”
Gaines’s own history in therapy proves that concept. As a professional with a deep understanding for the way different therapists can uniquely approach different problems, he’s cycled through several of them in his own life, and each one has played a special role in his evolving perspective.
“I’ve had a few therapists in the past five or six years,” he says. “One therapist helped me out a lot before my daughter was born, helping me deal with mourning the loss of this exciting, free life that was I was about to give up for a life of responsibility, and making sure I was prepared for it. Another therapist helped me cope with my mom’s death. And then another therapist helped my wife and I prepare to be two married people with a child.”
How to leave a therapist who’s not working for you
“Every therapeutic relationship is not going to be the same,” Gaines says. “Obviously, some therapists are not going to be a good match. There’s space for that.”
But there’s an important caveat: “On the other side,” he says, “therapy is not immediate. You’re not going to walk in on Monday and be solved by Friday. It doesn’t work that way.”
Not only does progress take time, but it’s also necessary for your therapist to get to know you adequately before they can really help. Gaines says his “golden rule” for sorting through a new therapeutic relationship is three months. If things aren’t coalescing by then, it’s probably time to accept that you haven’t yet found the right fit.
“If the therapy is really not working and I don’t feel like this person is getting me, I try to have a conversation with them,” Gaines says. “If it still doesn’t work, and it doesn’t feel good, and I obviously feel like I’m not going anywhere, I disengage the relationship.”
And though you might feel awkward about telling a therapist that things aren’t working out, there’s no need — they’ve definitely heard it before, they will hear it again, and they’ll accept your decision as part of the process.
“It’s a professional relationship, and it’s at-will,” Gaines explains. “You don’t have to write them a letter. You can terminate and just not go to therapy anymore, and then find another therapist.”
The information provided on this site isn’t intended as medical advice, and shouldn’t replace professional medical treatment. Consult your doctor with any serious health concerns.
