Positive psychology expert Stephanie Harrison on the mindset shift that’ll change your life.
Stephanie Harrison is an expert in the science of happiness. She has a master’s degree in positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, where she was later an instructor, and she was also the director of learning at Thrive Global, a leading wellness company founded by Arianna Huffington. She’s amassed thousands of followers on social media for her nuggets of wisdom and thought-provoking illustrations about well-being, self-worth, and finding happiness, which you can read more about in her recently published guide New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong.
In Harrison’s new book, she argues that the reason so many of us feel unfulfilled these days is because we’ve been chasing after the wrong definition of happiness. In this adapted excerpt, she shares what’s wrong with “Old Happy” and her philosophy for finding lasting contentment.
We all want to be happy: you, me, and everyone we know. Happiness is the single most important goal in a human being’s life. It drives everything you do. Every goal you set. Every action you take. Whether it’s:
- The breakfast you picked up this morning
- The job you’re interviewing for
- The exercise program you’re starting
- The person you’re dating
- Your weekend plans
- Your career aspirations
- Your big life goals
They all promise happiness in some form or another. It’s like we’re being guided by a compass inside us, one that is always pointed toward our version of true north — happiness. In one study across 47 nations, students ranked happiness as “extraordinarily important,” the single most important goal in their life.
Our brains are wired to make us want to pursue what we think will make us happy. And when we get that thing, we experience a surge of positive, pleasurable feelings. Over time, this process conditions us to believe that certain things will will make us feel good, thus inspiring us to want to pursue them again.
People show up in therapy and say, “I just want to be happy.” Parents describe their dearest hope for their children as, “I want them to be happy.” We say it to ourselves when we’re trying to make a decision: “What choice will make me happy?”
Yet so many of us are unhappy. Studies find that Americans are the unhappiest they’ve been in 50 years. One-in-three Americans are lonely. Twenty percent of Americans are dealing with a mental illness, and in one recent survey, 76 percent of working Americans reported at least one symptom of a mental health condition. Between 2000 and 2018, suicide rates grew by 35 percent.
If the pursuit of happiness drives every single thing that we do, why are we so miserable?
Happiness is a fuzzy, vague concept that’s hard to define. But understanding how we think about it and changing that definition can make a huge impact.
We all know what it feels like, but it’s not something we can point to, like a chair or a flower or a snail. Philosophers and scientists have been squabbling over what happiness is for thousands of years, proposing hundreds of different meanings.
In the absence of a clear definition, we look outward to build our own. We have a sense of what will make us happy and that guides all of the decisions that you make in your lifelong pursuit of happiness. When I ask people about how they were taught to define happiness, I get remarkably similar answers.
The world has told us that happiness comes from:
- Being perfect, or as close to it as possible
- Making more and more money
- Acquiring more and more stuff
- Conforming to the prescribed path
- Working harder and harder (and never resting or slowing down)
- Gaining fame, popularity, and acclaim
- Competing against other people (and winning)
This is “Old Happy” — our society’s broken definition of happiness that is, in fact, the very source of our deep unhappiness.
As it turns out, none of these things make us happy. Studies show that perfectionism is a leading cause of depression and anxiety. The more you value stuff and attaining more and more of it, the more your well-being decreases. Overworking significantly harms your physical and mental health, as does denying who you really are and what you really want. Pursuing fame and fortune often prevent you from fulfilling psychological needs like authenticity and connection. And viewing life as a competition increases stress and loneliness.
If you’re wondering whether Old Happy has infiltrated your life, see if any of these statements from our community members resonate with you:
- “I never feel like I’m good enough.”
- “I got what I thought I wanted. I still feel miserable.”
- “I never let myself take breaks or rest.”
- “It feels like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.”
- “I feel so lonely all of the time.”
- “Am I the only one who is secretly miserable but pretending not to be?”
- “I’m doing what I’m ‘supposed’ to do. Why isn’t it working?”
We build our lives around the pursuit of Old Happy. We push ourselves harder and harder to achieve it. We craft a culture that encourages, incentivizes, and forces it. And, tragically, many of us die having never really been happy, sold a false bill of goods but holding out hope until the end that somehow, we’ll “get there.”
However, we can change our definition before it’s too late. I’m here to show you how your definition of happiness might be leading you astray and to give you the tools, science, and support to redefine happiness and live the life you deserve.
For the last 10 years, one question has consumed me: What is a better definition of happiness? As I read thousands of academic studies and hundreds of books by philosophers and theologians and artists and leaders, I traced two threads that appeared again and again: You need to be yourself, and you need to give of yourself.
I discovered that same message again and again, phrased in different ways by different people. Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, wrote: “There is but one solution to the intricate riddle of life, to improve ourselves and contribute to the happiness of others.” Marie Curie, winner of two Nobel Prizes, wrote: “Each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful.” Martin Luther King Jr. said: “Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.”
Scientists have also studied what else can help you build a sense of enduring happiness. Studies show that using your unique strengths makes you feel happier, helps you grow, and offers a venue for self-expression. People who are connected to others live longer, happier lives. Integrating the two leads to a sense of meaning and purpose, makes an impact on the world, and provides you with the feeling that your life matters.
Here was the answer to my question: To be happy, discover who you are and share yourself in ways that help other people. This is the path to happiness, and I call it “New Happy.”
In some ways, it’s not really new. Centuries ago, people like Aristotle and the Buddha were advocating for something similar. However, their ideas hard to apply at the time, and may be even harder to stick to in the current day. These thinkers also didn’t have access to what we have: the wonders of modern science, which have helped us confirm many of their insights but also take them much further. The New Happy philosophy has been shaped by their wisdom but is grounded in modern research and expanded to address our real-life needs.
Contrary to what we’ve been taught, happiness isn’t something that you have to acquire, or wait for, or please someone else to receive. Happiness isn’t found in any of Old Happy’s haunts, and you don’t need a haunting to find it for yourself.
The transformation is something that is possible for you. You can have moments of joy, that build to days of fulfillment, that make a life that leaves people better off because you existed. When you change your definition of happiness, everything else changes, too.
It’s time for you to be happy. You’ve worked hard enough. You’ve conformed for long enough. You’ve waited long enough. It’s time for you to find joy that lasts.
Just because we grew up with Old Happy doesn’t mean we need to live with it for the rest of our lives. Starting today, you can name Old Happy for what it is, and in the process, begin to free yourself from it.
