I didn’t hear the term stonewalling until years after my divorce, but in hindsight, it was easy to recognize.
A rule-follower by nature, I take deadlines seriously. In my divorce proceedings, legal discovery forms were due by a specific date. Although I completed and submitted mine on time, I was aggravated to learn that some people interpreted the due date more loosely.
I had sole placement of our five amazing kids, who were dealing with a family breakup, all while working full-time as a doctor to support our family. I needed something in my life to go smoothly. I just wanted the divorce behind me so I could move forward. Unfortunately, doing my part wasn’t enough. Someone else had control of my peace.
Deadlines came and went. And each missed deadline by my ex meant more delays, higher legal fees, and a great deal of frustration. His discovery had to be turned in eventually, but the court was much looser about enforcing compliance than I would have liked.
Each delay was agonizing as I wondered when this would finally be over. I wanted the day to come when I no longer dreaded checking email because I no longer had an attorney on retainer. I wanted to spend my money on my family, not legal fees. I was the one left cleaning up the mess, and I wanted it done. The delays were making me crazy; his stonewalling was working.
Stonewalling is a tactic often intentionally used by narcissists and other toxic people as a way of exerting power and control, manipulating, and devaluing their target. Stonewalling can also be used unintentionally by someone uncomfortable with their own emotions. But when stonewalling is used consistently in an adult relationship, it can be a sign of emotional and narcissistic abuse. Psychologist John Gottman refers to it as one of the four horsemen, or the four predictors of divorce or separation.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is the persistent refusal to communicate or engage in a conflict. This toxic, narcissistic abuse tactic takes its name from a metaphorical stone wall erected between the two parties.
It’s typically recognized as short, non-communicative answers, avoiding conversations, the silent treatment, avoiding eye contact, leaving the room, avoiding interactions, or dismissive comments.
Stonewalling may be used as a defense mechanism to avoid feeling overwhelmed, especially when that behavior has been role-modeled in family or previous relationships.
Whether used intentionally or unintentionally, stonewalling is destructive in any relationship because it causes emotional distance and prevents the resolution of underlying issues.
When used by a narcissist, stonewalling may be an intentional tactic to punish, devalue, or control another person.
Whether used intentionally or unintentionally, stonewalling is destructive in any relationship because it causes emotional distance and prevents the resolution of underlying issues.
What does unintentional stonewalling look like, and why would someone use it?
Stonewalling is often a response to being emotionally overwhelmed. It may be so common that it seems normal.
Imagine you’re having a tough conversation with your partner. Things are tense. You’re on the verge of tears. You look away to avoid eye contact, emotionally check out, and start responding with quiet, brief, non-descript answers like, “I’m fine” or “forget about it.” Maybe you even leave the room. You feel hurt, even betrayed, and those feelings remain unresolved. Your partner also feels hurt, unseen, unheard, and rejected by your lack of engagement.
Or imagine your boss calls you in to address a mistake you made. You feel like you can barely hold it together and want to avoid bursting into tears at all costs. You sit there quietly, and when asked, you say, “Nope. No questions,” then ask if you can be dismissed. The matter is dropped, but the issue remains unresolved. You’re angry. You’re also emotionally checked out — almost numb. You no longer care about your job, your relationship with your boss, or your work quality. Your boss feels dismissed, even if they can’t articulate why.
In both scenarios, you’ve employed stonewalling to avoid further confrontation. Over time, this becomes your go-to pattern, emotionally withdrawing in the face of conflict. And with each instance, the emotional void becomes greater, the relationship more dysfunctional.
Emotional withdrawal and stonewalling were likely learned at a young age, either through role-modeling or as a learned, protective behavior. If you watched a parent stonewall, you grew up believing it was normal. And if you had an abusive parent, you learned that emotionally checking out was extremely protective. Avoiding eye contact made you appear submissive. Staying quiet with a simple, “Got it,” ended the conversation sooner. Walling yourself off emotionally made conflict hurt less the next time.
How is the narcissist’s tactic of intentional stonewalling different?
Intent is everything. When a narcissist or other toxic person uses the tactic of stonewalling, they intend to cause you emotional harm, rather than protect themselves.
Imagine you sit down to have a conversation with your husband after discovering he’s been lying about where he’s been. First, he shrugs his shoulders and dismisses your concern. When you try to get to the root of his deception to ensure he feels safe enough to be honest and attempt to share your feelings, he again shrugs and says, “I don’t know” while looking away. When you try to engage again, he turns away from you and starts watching a video on his phone. Over the next several days, you get brief responses to transactional conversations. You say, “Dinner is at 6.” He responds, “OK.” He comes home from work late, goes to bed early, leaves for work before you’re up, and seizes any opportunity to avoid you. After weeks of this, you apologize to him for initiating the confrontation and agree to drop it.
Now, imagine years later, you’re going through a divorce. Though he was cheating and wanted the divorce, he’s angry with you. You want to be collaborative and come to a mutually agreeable settlement, but he won’t come to the table. He initially doesn’t turn in his discovery documents, and when he does, they’re incomplete and inaccurate. After years of back and forth with the lawyers, you’re headed to mediation before going to trial. You try to get an agreement in place, but he refuses to answer questions about what he wants. During mediation, he refuses to participate and instead prolongs the process. It may not be logical, but he’s employing stonewalling to punish you for the feelings of unworthiness, rejection, humiliation, abandonment, incompetence, or judgment that he feels as a result of his own behavior.
How does stonewalling impact you and your relationships?
Stonewalling has a disastrous effect on all relationships. Even when done unintentionally, it creates emotional distance. The person being stonewalled often feels unseen, unheard, and unimportant. They may be reluctant to raise issues in the future and develop growing resentment as problems remain unresolved. Future conflicts become more intense as your resentment builds — not only about the underlying issue, but also about the other person’s response.
Stonewalling also erodes your sense of trust in the other person and in the relationship itself. You can no longer trust that you’ll be heard or that your needs will be met. This lack of trust creates a huge emotional wedge, making connection and closeness impossible.
But as great as the impact stonewalling has on your relationship, the impact on you is even greater. Being stonewalled creates a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness in resolving both the underlying issue and general matters. The resolution feels out of your control, and your anger, resentment, and frustration grow.
Current or the possibility of future stonewalling creates stress and anxiety that impacts all areas of life. It may also be a form of gaslighting, strong-arming you into believing things about yourself that are just not true: things like I’m unlovable, unworthy, not good enough, unimportant, or too much.
The emotional hit is extreme in the moment, but the effects don’t end there. The insecurity, low self-esteem, and decreased confidence that come as a result create ripples far into your future.
What to do when you realize you unintentionally stonewall
Conflict is inevitable. It’s how you handle it that matters. If you have a strong flight trauma response and find that you emotionally check out or “flee” unintentionally, you can create a new pattern starting today.
First, stop the conversation. Communicate that you’re taking a break, not ending the discussion. Take some time for yourself to resolve your triggers and emotionally regulate by soothing your nervous system and calming your trauma response. Make that your highest priority before doing anything else. Then return to the conversation or schedule a time to revisit it. A therapist can be invaluable in developing these skills.
What to do when you experience stonewalling
This is a two-pronged approach. First, decide if the stonewalling person is important enough to you to work on the relationship. If it’s a spouse or family member, this is likely true. If it’s a remote acquaintance, it may not be.
If you value and wish to improve your relationship with the person stonewalling you, find a time when they are emotionally regulated and ask if it’s a good time to start a conversation. Share your experience and how it makes you feel. Invite them into a healthier relationship by working to shift this pattern together. If they rise to the occasion, you will deepen your relationship and continue to grow together. If they refuse to address the issue or start stonewalling you more, your only options are to tolerate it and grow more distant or reduce or eliminate contact. Many choose to tolerate it, which only delays the end of their relationship.
If you value the other person as a human being, but don’t value the relationship or their role in your life, you can go straight to reducing or eliminating contact. You’ll preserve your mental peace, and they’ll be more inclined to grow with someone they have a deep, meaningful relationship with.
The key is to realize that you’re not powerless or helpless. You’re fully in the driver’s seat of your own life experience.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, is a trauma, covert narcissistic abuse, and rapid narcissistic abuse recovery expert who helps soul-driven leaders transcend their past narcissistic abuse to create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world. Grab her Healing from Narcissistic Abuse 12-week guided journal and find out more about working with her on her website.
