A psychologist explains the importance of finding solace in ways that work for you this season.
Every year, the holidays stir up a rush of emotions. There’s the magic, wonder, and joy of it all — the shimmering twinkle lights, the flickering Menorah, and the countdown to midnight. There’s the look of awe on children’s faces as they unwrap their long-awaited presents. But there’s also a less-delightful side to the festivities: Statistics show that this time of year triggers a surge in loneliness. In fact, more than one in 10 Americans typically report feeling extremely lonely heading into the winter holidays. That stat was exacerbated last year, as many people were unable to connect in person due to the pandemic.
The truth is, the holidays can be a lonely time of year for some. And that feeling of being isolated, misunderstood, or left out can appear in all different shapes and sizes. You can feel lonely even if you do have a loving family to visit. For others, it’s easy to feel disconnected from the outside world if you don’t have any plans around the holidays.
“Families are inherited,” says Dr. Bea Harris, a New York-based clinical psychologist and Humana’s Director of Human Behavior. “If we’re lucky, we feel very connected and there’s a generous display of love and care. But a lot of families don’t have that. They may not be as open with each other.”
No matter your individual situation, there are different ways to cope with feelings of loneliness around the holidays. It starts with understanding what makes you feel grateful and what gives you meaning. “Loneliness is feeling disconnected from meaning — or something bigger than yourself. If you understand that, then it’s easier to understand how to solve it,” says Harris.
Below, we’re sharing different psychologist-approved ways to manage loneliness and negative thought patterns that come up during the holidays — whether you’re planning to stay home solo this year or pay some visits to family and friends.
Organize your feelings into a list
“A lot of people may feel more vulnerable close to the holidays,” says Dr. Harris. To get control of your feelings, it’s important to understand their source. Take the time to sit and reflect. “Make a list of things that really matter to you, and things that you’re vulnerable to in relation to being around your family, or whomever you’re spending time with. Take it seriously, just as you would with your shopping list,” says Harris. This way, you can understand what puts you in a negative mindset and then create a plan to manage it.
Make a plan to remove yourself from uncomfortable situations
Dinner conversations aren’t always as sweet as the holiday cookies taste. If you’re feeling attacked, frustrated, or overwhelmed by Aunt Joan’s prying questions, create a plan to remove yourself (politely) from the discussion. “Having a plan for taking yourself out of a disturbing situation reminds you that you have greater control,” says Dr. Harris. “There are lots of ways you can step out of a situation and take a breath for yourself.” Even if you’re staying over at someone else’s house, you can take a walk, break away to help clean dishes, or help prepare the next course during those stressful moments.
“It’s about taking control of the situation, rather than feeling that you’re pulled into a current,” says Harris. “You have more power over your life and what you feel than maybe you’re using.”
Learn how to set boundaries by saying no (politely)
Maybe you’re not feeling up to the task of celebrating this season. Or you still feel uncomfortable attending group gatherings while the pandemic persists. First things first: It’s okay to say no to your friends and family.
“You have to believe that it’s OK and necessary for you to be in charge of taking care of your own emotional state,” says Dr. Harris. “It‘s up to you, not up to them, to understand you and figure out what you need.”
If someone else isn’t taking your no for an answer, there are ways to navigate around that friction. “I had to learn to say no — and that no wasn’t an indication of not loving, but a statement of taking care of myself,” Dr. Harris explains. “Try saying something along the lines of, Thank you for loving me and for how much you want me to be there, but I can’t.”
Spend time outdoors, volunteering, or giving back to your community
“How we handle stress and become resilient is by taking control of our life,” says Dr. Harris. “So having a sense of, I can control my world, rather than feel helpless in it, is a big deal.” Again, you can create a sense of control by creating a plan for how you’ll spend the holidays.
“What do you love about the holidays? If you love the shop windows, are you making a plan to take a walk with a friend who you can share that with? Are you having dinner or coffee or connecting with somebody who’s special to you? Can you volunteer at a soup kitchen?” asks Dr. Harris. “If your loneliness means feeling disconnected or empty, you might feel connected by volunteering, or sharing in an activity with other people, like cleaning up the park. Or you can create an event when you feel purposeful, like going for a regular walk every weekend.”
And if you tend to rely on alcohol in stressful or lonely situations, Dr. Harris advises against that habit. “You don’t want drinking to be a way to mask your loneliness,” she says.
Redefine what the holidays look like to you
Expectations of what the holidays should look like, versus what they’re actually like can also lead to negative feelings. “There aren’t any rules for the holidays. We’re being sold on the image of what closeness is about. But maybe it’s not that — maybe it’s celebrating with one other person out in a natural setting,” says Dr. Harris. You can create your own holiday traditions — ones that bring joy and work for you.
Use this time to learn more about yourself
It’s also normal to experience loneliness after the holidays are over. If you wished the holidays went differently, there are ways to cope, other than ruminating in feelings of regret. “It’s a great opportunity for learning,” says Dr. Harris. “Your feelings are telling you something — what you like to do, what you don’t like to do, what has meaning to you and what doesn’t. I would ask yourself, What is it that I was meant to learn out of this?“
Think about what you’re grateful for
We’ve all heard about the power of gratitude lists. Writing down what you’re grateful for shifts your mindset into a more optimistic headspace. “Anything that creates a positive effect for you is transformative,” says Dr. Harris. Whether it’s taking a walk in the woods, or visiting the zoo, or going to a museum to look at art, “gratitude is a positive feeling that you can create by giving or looking at your life and appreciating what you have.”
The information provided on this site isn’t intended as medical advice, and shouldn’t replace professional medical treatment. Consult your doctor with any serious health concerns
