Is your middle child syndrome just an excuse for ordinary people-pleasing?
Whether we like it or not, the family structure we were born into has an eerie impact that lasts long after childhood. Maybe you’ve cared for an elderly parent while younger siblings shirk responsibility and carry on as normal. Perhaps, as the designated peacekeeper of your clan, you’ve spent decades keeping family vacations civil. Maybe consequences have never been a big deal to you because you always land on your feet (or have someone to bail you out).
If you feel pigeonholed into the family role you held as a child, you’re not alone. According to Alfred Adler’s popular birth order theory, the importance of sibling order can last a lifetime. Adler theorized that the birth order in your family has an impact on your personality. That’s right: Birth order arguably helps determine whether you’re a control freak, an overworked conflict mediator, or a rebellious free spirit. That’s supposedly why a firstborn child like Hillary Clinton became an impassioned leader or why famously petulant middle child Jan Brady felt so overshadowed.
Like astrology, however, it’s unclear if each category’s list of traits is so general that we can see pieces of ourselves in each description. Middle children thrive on friendship, for instance, but who doesn’t? So, we spoke to an expert and dove into research to sort out what our sibling structure says about us and whether the theory is pure pop psychology.
Keep in mind that even if the theory resonates with you, sibling order isn’t the only source of your personality. Clinical psychologist Vinita Mehta, Ph.D., points out that Adler never said that your number or lack of siblings was entirely responsible for your future: “Adler noted that family, community, and social experiences also influence development. It’s important to stress that the development of personality is multifactorial.”
Birth order personality traits
According to Adler’s work, here are the basic archetypes for how your position in your family determines your personality.
Firstborn child personality traits: “Generally speaking,” Dr. Mehta explains, “firstborns like to be in the spotlight.” This oldest child gains a reputation as a perfectionist mini-adult accustomed to attention. They also take on (or are delegated) responsibility, which leads firstborns to develop leadership skills that they carry into adulthood.
Middle child personality traits: Dr. Mehta also claims that “middle children who get less attention tend to be squeezed out.” Here, “squeezed out” refers to that Jan Brady identity crisis of the middle kid being ignored or forgotten. Subsequently, the middle child turns into a people-pleaser or a peacemaker.
Youngest child personality traits: “The youngest are pampered,” Dr. Mehta says. They may expect others to take responsibility and make tough decisions, and they can be attention-seeking and fond of taking risks.
Only child personality traits: Since only children receive relatively undivided attention from parents, they’ve gained a reputation as being self-centered kids who are mature for their age. Thanks to hanging around adults mainly, they also supposedly use more grown-up language. Dr. Mehta adds that only children get an undeserved bad rap for being needy: “There is a longstanding myth that only children are more spoiled and demanding, but it lacks scientific support.”
Birth order theory is 105 years old — but the mechanics remain relatable
Adler, a 19th- and early 20th-century psychotherapist, first linked birth order to personality in 1918. As a very early community psychologist, part of Adler’s focus was family so he ended up developing this hypothesis that your position in your family unit influences and shapes your personality.
Dr. Mehta explains that Adler’s theory argues that birth order plays a role in personality development when (or if) a child feels replaced by a younger sibling.
When a family has more children, the family inadvertently prescribes each sibling a new role. “Each child who is born into a family can be ‘dethroned’ — Adler’s term — when the next child is born,” says Dr. Mehta. “Dethronement can give rise to various responses, depending on the situation.”
Younger siblings redefine the roles of older children — turning any only child into an older sibling or a youngest child into a middle sibling. Parents redistribute attention accordingly — paying more attention to a newborn than a toddler — and children develop new habits and traits to adjust to the change. The lack of “dethronement” also shapes some traits in only children.
Though psychology has changed a lot since Adler was practicing, it’s not surprising that the theory has stuck around in our cultural consciousness. After all, research suggests that family structure can shape very intense experiences like adolescent behavioral issues and rates of adolescent psychiatric hospitalization. And one study of 500 children suggests that kids in larger households demonstrate fewer mental issues. So why shouldn’t the organization of your family significantly affect your lifelong characteristics?
Birth order theory makes sense — but the research doesn’t
It’s pretty fun to look at descriptions of these archetypes and pick which traits resonate with you. But before you begin attributing every tiny misstep to being the youngest child, keep in mind that contemporary research has only validated a few birth order differences so far.
One large study surveyed 377,000 high school students about their position in their family, their personalities, and other aspects of their lives. According to the data, firstborns had slightly higher IQs and slightly different personalities compared to their younger siblings. But the discrepancy was far too small to matter; the firstborns’ IQs tended to be higher by just one extra point, so don’t lord your intellect over your younger siblings yet.
Another study evaluated data from 20,000 interviewees from Germany, the U.K., and the U.S. The researchers found no notable discrepancies that linked birth order and personality.
More recent research confirms that oldest siblings enjoy higher education outcomes — and this research also suggests that the difference is environmental instead of biological. In other words, the researchers ruled out factors like birth weight, birth length, and maternal age that could have also shaped educational differences. Still, the study didn’t come close to determining why these discrepancies exist and why previous studies haven’t linked personality and birth order.
So at the moment, researchers have yet to verify Adler’s theory. If you like the idea of birth order theory, it’s a harmless and illuminating way to get to know yourself. And if you feel caged by the idea that your family size shapes your personality, Dr. Mehta reminds us that we’re all very much capable of changing our lives and personalities.
“We typically carry our experiences from childhood into adulthood,” she says, “but we’re also capable of changing those dynamics through therapy and other practices.”
