No, it doesn’t have to look like an episode of Intervention.
There’s a chance that addiction has been on your mind lately. In October, Friends star Matthew Perry — who was open about his battle with substance abuse — passed away. While his cause of death is yet to be released, this loss has inspired memorials from loved ones and costars, as well as countless articles on Perry’s journey to get sober.
His work to help others struggling with addiction was incredibly important to him. “The best thing about me, bar none, is if somebody comes up to me and says, ‘I can’t stop drinking. Can you help me?’ I can say yes and follow up and do it,” Perry said in 2022 during an interview. “And I’ve said this for a long time: when I die, I don’t want Friends to be the first thing that’s mentioned — I want that to be the first thing that’s mentioned…it would be nice if Friends were listed far behind the things I did to try to help other people.”
Alice Gleghorn, Ph.D. — the president and CEO of addiction rehab center Phoenix House California — witnessed how important supporting this community was to him. “In 2015, [Perry] was honored by Phoenix Houses of California for his candor and transparency. He was given The Rising Phoenix Award at a gala with Lisa Kudrow. He also toured one of our youth programs that we had at the time. He appreciated the support for kids who were already struggling. It was very gratifying to see that he wanted to make a difference using his fame, his celebrity, and his platform.”
Dr. Gleghorn points out that Perry’s recent memoir also extended his reach: “In his book, he was able to be extraordinarily honest, open, and candid about everything he had suffered. He did that in the name of helping other people. That’s really his legacy: He dared to take this terrible thing that he had suffered from for so long and try to turn it into something positive. Losing him is a big loss to the recovery community. He showed such bravery and everybody loved him.”
Despite the loss, Dr. Gleghorn recommends using Perry’s work as a point of inspiration: “When you see someone like that trying to help others, it’s very inspiring. People are reading that book or seeing a struggle that helps them think that ‘I could do it too,’ or ‘maybe I do have a problem, even though I thought maybe I was hiding it pretty well.’ We were fortunate to be able to have that experience with [Perry].”
That’s really his legacy: He dared to take this terrible thing that he had suffered from for so long and try to turn it into something positive. Losing him is a big loss to the recovery community.
If Perry’s candidness and dedication to uplifting others has inspired you to help a loved one who’s currently struggling with addiction, however, you may be lost as to where to start.
Dr. Glehhorn spoke with Katie Couric Media to outline practical methods of supporting a loved one who’s struggling with substance abuse.
How to Help an Addict
Approach with love and support
If you’ve tuned into intervention shows on TV, you may guess that you should get the ball rolling by abruptly confronting an addict: Surprise them with a hefty dose of tough love to shock them out of their stupor. Then, the addict in your life will be forced to get clean or sober.
However, according to Dr. Gleghorn, confrontation may do more harm than good, and helping an addict might require a very different approach. Gentler steps will likely be warranted: “One of the issues with television [intervention] programs is they often talk about the confrontation. Confrontation may work for some people, but for other people, it just makes the problems worse. If you approach an individual with genuine care and support, you tend to get less anger, resistance, and pushback. You may make more progress that way, versus the idea that you’ll gather in a room and make your loved one listen.”
Dr. Gleghorn has some practical advice: “When a loved one wants to help an addict, they need to do so by speaking to things that matter to the individual that they wouldn’t want to jeopardize or lose.” She asks, “Do they want to have functional relationships with their children? Are they on the edge of losing custody? Are they going to lose their job? Are their parents aging and they’re worried that they won’t be around to help take care of them? Each individual can be motivated by a very specific thing. Try to work with them to get them to identify what they value and why they might want to take steps to change the patterns of their substance use.”
If you’re tempted to show tough love because an addict in your life seems oblivious to the harm they’ve done, Dr. Gleghorn says that addicts typically are aware and that you can appeal to that: “People who are using drugs know they’re doing damage. If you’re gently telling them how it’s impacting you and impacting what you see around them, they may be able to hear it better. As for, ‘You’ve messed up, you’re still messing up’ — that’s really hard for people to hear. But if you can give them a path to help them find something positive and move toward that positive, you may get a lot farther.”
When you know and love an addict, you’ve likely observed their patterns of behavior and have a lot to say about what they’re doing. But Dr. Gleghorn recommends taking a break from finger-pointing to focus on your experience: “You should share your truth: ‘This is how I feel when I see you drinking. This is what’s happening to me.’ It doesn’t have to be, ‘You’re wasting your life.’”
Be willing to take small steps
In a perfect world, the addict in your life would hear your concern and quit immediately. But in reality, you might have to meet them halfway with a compromise: “When you approach someone in the middle of their addictive process, they might not immediately embrace the idea of never using again. But you can still help them identify some positive change they’re willing to make. Many folks start with, ‘Maybe I could cut back.’ We try to be very supportive of all changes, large and small.”
Even when someone wants to make changes, they’re still going to be scared about it.
Trying your hand at some harm prevention may help them take the next step in their recovery. If your loved one offers to train you in using an overdose prevention medicine, like Naloxone, Dr. Gleghorn suggests you take them up on it. “They have to confront some pretty heavy-duty issues in suggesting that, but the addict is saying, ‘I don’t want to die, but I haven’t been able to give this up, so here’s something that might keep me alive if you find me passed out.’ Then, they begin to question, ‘Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this to my family? Why am I putting myself at risk? Why am I taking this step to protect myself? Maybe I am worth something after all.’”
Explore all aspects of getting help
If you’re helping someone who’s making excuses for why they can’t recover, Dr. Gleghorn recommends tackling logistics for them: ”Help them get a leave of absence from work or find someone to take care of the kids so they can enter a residential program. Whatever those barriers are, if you’re helping them with that, then you can work with the resistance. Even when someone wants to make changes, they’re still going to be scared about it. That might be why they’re coming up with a lot of excuses. The more you can help them get through those excuses, the easier it will be for them to get the help they need.”
Take care of yourself
Amid this heavy emotional work, don’t forget to address your mental health: “For family members and other loved ones who are struggling, the best thing you can do is go to a professional yourself.” Not only can a mental health expert help you navigate your loved one’s addiction, but if you’re not at your best, you can’t expect to sufficiently support others.
In fact, seeking support for yourself may encourage your loved one on their recovery journey. Dr. Gleghorn encourages you to share your personal work with the person you want to help. “You can say something like, ‘[Your addiction is] impacting me. I decided I needed to do something about it.’ Then explain what you’re doing and how it’s helping you. You’ll also know better what you need, and you should share that with them, too.” This could help remind them that they’re not the only ones in pain and take the focus off them, which could alleviate the feeling that everyone’s pointing fingers at them, she says.
Do your research
We get it — when someone you love is in the throes of addiction, endlessly reading about the illness can feel intimidating and unpleasant. But avoiding this information for your peace of mind can do more harm than good. The addict shouldn’t be treated as the expert — take some of the pressure of recovery off them by arming yourself with answers. “It’s really helpful for family members or loved ones to get as much information as they can about the disease before approaching their loved ones.” But make sure you get your information from a trusted, reputable source (like a medical or educational institution) because there’s so much misinformation out there about what treatment can look like. “For example, ‘You can’t use medicine. That’s substituting one drug for another’ is such old-school thinking. We have so many medications now that can really help, particularly when it comes to opiate disorders or alcohol,” says Dr. Gleghorn.
Keep in mind that there are many routes to recovery. “There are different things that can be helpful sometimes in and of themselves, but often in conjunction with individual counseling, group counseling, or family interventions. Sometimes the problem is severe enough that they need to enter a program for months at a time.” Dr. Gleghorn urges, “Whatever the case, it’s good for loved ones to understand what the options are. Otherwise, they might inadvertently undermine addiction by saying something like, ‘I thought we could do a detox in a few weeks and you’d be done and everything would be better.’”
If this set of issues seems difficult to tackle, remind yourself that this is not the time for quick fixes: “Typically, you can’t unwind a years-long problem in a few weeks.”
The information provided on this site isn’t intended as medical advice, and shouldn’t replace professional medical treatment. Consult your doctor with any serious health concerns.
