Life has a way of flipping the script just when you start to feel comfortable. One moment, your routine is predictable; the next, an unexpected change leaves you questioning not only your plans for the next hour, but for the next year. Whether it’s a transition you saw coming — like retirement or becoming an empty nester — or something more unexpected, like divorce or illness, change can be daunting, especially when it challenges your sense of purpose or self-worth.
But even the biggest and messiest transitions can be opportunities to shake things up in a good way — if you approach them with the right mindset. That’s why we turned to Bisma Anwar, a licensed mental health counselor with Talkspace, for expert advice on how to tackle life’s toughest changes and come out the other side even stronger.
Remember, you’ve done this before
Chances are, this likely isn’t your first major life transition. Most adults have faced many difficult adjustments, and while that doesn’t necessarily make them easier, it can offer perspective. “I like to remind patients of challenges they’ve overcome in the past,” says Anwar. “Think back to a time when a big change stressed you out, yet you made it through. You are resilient and adaptable, just as you were then.” Reflecting on past successes can boost your confidence and remind you that you have the strength to navigate this transition too.
Consider the worst-case scenario
Though it may seem counterintuitive, picturing the most terrible way things could work out (even if it’s unlikely to happen) can actually help you feel more prepared. “Once you’ve established the worst possible outcome, ask yourself: What are the chances that could happen? How would you react? What would your life look like? In most cases, the worst scenario is unrealistic, but planning for it can give you a sense of control.” It also helps you plan: If scenario A happens, what choices would I have? How would I determine the best course of action?
This type of scenario-planning also clarifies what you can and can’t control. “People often resist change because losing control is scary,” Anwar explains. “Unexpected transitions leave us uncertain about what’s going to happen next, and can feel overwhelming.” Dwelling on what’s out of your hands adds to your stress, but identifying what is within your control can be a powerful motivator for taking positive action.
Take it one step at a time
If the enormity of a life transition makes you want to bury your head in the sand, you’re not alone. When a change feels too big to address, breaking it into smaller steps can make it more manageable. “Rather than worrying about everything that lies ahead, focus on what needs to happen today,” says Anwar. For example, if you’ve just been laid off, the idea of starting a new job may feel impossible. Instead, start with small, actionable steps — update your resume, reach out to colleagues, or explore job listings.“ This approach helps you regain a sense of control,” says Anwar. “Shrink the problem into bite-sized steps you know you can handle.” Creating a to-do list and crossing off tasks as you complete them can also provide a sense of progress and accomplishment.
Recognize your triggers
I can’t do this. I don’t have the capacity. I’m a failure. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, negative self-talk is a major reason we approach change with fear, and can make a new circumstance trigger anxiety.
“If a life transition has you beating yourself up, write down every negative thought as it comes,” says Anwar. “Many people start spiraling once they have an intrusive thought. Simply acknowledging it can act as a mental stop sign before it takes over.”
For example, if you’re going through a divorce, you might think, I’m going to be alone forever. Instead of accepting this thought as truth, recognize it as intrusive. Then, look for patterns: What triggered this thought? Where was I? What happened right before? Answering these questions helps you anticipate and manage your intrusive thoughts, preventing a downward spiral before it begins.
Rediscover your purpose
Maybe you love hiking, but stopped going because your partner disliked it. Or perhaps you always wanted to take an art class, but never had the time while juggling your kids’ activities. Life transitions can become an opportunity to reconnect with past passions or find new ones, and even explore aspects of your identity that were stifled before.
“Discovering a new passion is a gift you might never have given yourself if you were still married, working full-time, or raising kids at home,” says Anwar. “We often tie our identity to roles like ‘parent,’ ‘lawyer,’ or ‘spouse.’ When one of these roles shifts, it’s a chance to uncover new aspects of yourself, or meet new people you might never have encountered otherwise.”
Navigating a difficult transition doesn’t mean everything will turn out to be sunshine and roses: One of the most important steps is acknowledging the challenge you’re facing. “Sadness is a natural reaction to change, because you’re grieving the life you once had,” says Anwar. “Give yourself permission to sit with those feelings of loneliness or grief — but then give yourself permission to let them go when you’re ready.”
