Don’t let others tell you about yourself. Remember who you are.
This article originally appeared in Liz Plank’s substack Airplane Mode, which you can subscribe to here.
Have you noticed there’s a ton of misdirected anger being thrown around right now? What I’m seeing is a lot of valid feelings about what’s going on in the world, but they’re just being aimed at the wrong target. It’s breaking up families, group chats, colleges, and workplaces all over the country. If it hasn’t happened to you, I’m sure you’ve heard about it happening to someone you love. And if it hasn’t, I’m jealous and would love an invite to wherever you’re hanging out.
While I won’t claim to know how to fix all of our collective woes, I think this tricky period is offering us an opportunity to deepen our relationships with ourselves. When accusations fly around, it’s easy to absorb them, especially if you’re someone with high degrees of empathy. If you’re a conscientious person, it might be hard for you to separate someone’s projections about you, from who you actually are.
So how do we cope in this charged environment and still preserve a healthy sense of self?
First of all, I want you to recognize that the very qualities that make this moment challenging for you, are the most beautiful parts of you. And while you might be envious of the unbothered people walking around who seem unaffected by the cruelty of the world, I bet they secretly wish they could have been born as compassionate as you. Empathy can be learned, but you never needed the lesson. It’s not something you have to practice, it’s something you can’t help. Treasure that. Treasure yourself! The fact that you’re hurt right now, is proof that you’re good. Welcome the pain, like rain on an impossibly warm and humid summer day. The sun will come back.
Second, I want you to take an inventory of your relationships, and take stock of your vertical to horizontal relationship ratio. It’s a concept that I came across when I was reading The Courage to be Disliked. While horizontal relationships are characterized by democracy, reciprocity, and collaboration because you’re “equal but not the same,” vertical relationships are rooted in a power difference. That’s why they inevitably create a sense of inferiority and dependency. The more horizontal relationships you have, the healthier your sense of self and relationships with others will be. The more you put people on pedestals, the more likely you are to give away your power, and the more susceptible you’ll become to confusing other people’s beliefs as your own. Placing someone higher than they deserve to be, requires putting yourself lower than you deserve to be. A good hack to knock someone off their pedestal is to make a list of all the times they were wrong or that they missed the mark. They’re human too! Keep that list handy when your brain forgets and starts idealizing them again. You may also need to limit the time you spend with people who enjoy or perpetuate this kind of dynamic. If you’re going to revere someone in your life, it should be you!
Placing someone higher than they deserve to be, requires putting yourself lower than you deserve to be.
Third, I want you to sit still with yourself. There are a lot of opinions swirling out there right now, and if you’re not careful, you’ll end up absorbing someone else’s ideas about who you are, rather than what you know to be true. Meditation is a great way to tune into your own wifi signal and connect back to yourself. And if that’s not your style, journal prompts can be just as effective. Open your notes app and write about a time when you felt purpose and that your talents were recognized by others. Write about what people shared with you and how it felt to have your inner sense of self reflected by the outside world. You could also write about the last time you felt a lot of confidence. What happened and how did it feel? While these prompts might feel innocuous, you’re priming your brain to focus on moments of true alignment which can give you a spiritual tune-up if you’ve felt lost lately.
By appreciating yourself, kicking people off pedestals, and recalling moments where your integrity was mirrored by others, you’ll slowly come back to yourself. Ram Dass wrote that in the end, we’re all just walking each other home. Notice when someone is making you take a detour.
Don’t let others tell you about yourself. Remember who you are.
