When my kids were little, November was always a blur. Between my work as a doctor and a mother of five amazing kids, as soon as Halloween was over, I felt like I was in a full-on sprint until the first week of January — only I’d forgotten to train for the race.
At that time, I thought my exhaustion was due to lack of sleep, shorter daylight hours, and overall stress, but that was just scratching the surface.
Looking back now, I think of it as a case of holiday dread. It’s the struggle to be present while trying to cram three months worth of events, experiences, and tasks into six weeks and the FOMO that was inevitable when I failed; that feeling of having to be “on” for six weeks straight, carefully controlling everything I said and did to avoid excess drama and chaos; and the weighty responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and holiday experience.
It wasn’t just me. I’ve seen it on the faces of parents, grandparents, colleagues, patients, and clients for years: that undeniable look of exhaustion and weariness that exponentially worsens the closer we get to the finish line — the end of the year.
I’ve boiled this holiday dread down to five causes — and better yet, discovered the antidote to each. It’s not too late to create the holiday experience you desire.
Holiday burnout starts with forgetting what you want
As a busy mom of five, I was a master of holiday planning: color-coded calendars for school, extracurricular, and social events; spreadsheets for gifts so each kid received not only the same value of gifts, but had the same number of presents to open; gifts for teachers, coaches, and music instructors; separate “Santa” wrapping paper and gift tags that the kids didn’t see; winter break plans; and so much more. But for years, I skipped over the most important part of planning: identifying what I wanted.
I’m not talking about a grown-up Christmas list a la Kelly Clarkson (although that’s one thousand percent allowed, as well). I’m referring to your goals for the season.
We spend so much time thinking about what we don’t want — “I don’t want Susie to feel left out,” “I don’t want to spend all of Christmas Day in the car,” “I don’t want a repeat of last year!” — that we forget to think about what we actually want. Those negative thoughts, along with the mental bandwidth and planning required to try to avoid them, can leave anyone exhausted.
Here’s what to do instead. Sit down, pour yourself a cup of tea, and think about what you want the holidays to look like this year. Do you want to travel? Do you want a quiet holiday at home? Do you want to host your family? What would the perfect holiday season look like for you?
Decision fatigue overwhelms your system
Just as the right kind of planning is important, so is finding the right star to guide your path. Experiencing your ideal holiday season without a plan or guiding vision is about as likely as completing a marathon without a planned route or building a house without a final design in mind.
It’s exhausting to feel buffeted by the wind, reacting to each new invitation, obligation, or request — especially when they’re not in service to your specific vision. And your vision goes far beyond what your mind thinks it “should” do. Your mind may be able to do the mental gymnastics necessary to add 14 new activities and events, while your body just wants to sleep, and your spirit wants to experience more playfulness and joy. This internal conflict is a massive energy leak, leaving you exhausted and ready to hibernate until February.
The key to eliminating your internal conflict and setting up your inner GPS is to get even more specific. What is the essence that you want to create this season? Do you want to experience love and meaningful connection? Do you want your mind, body, and spirit to be at peace without walking on eggshells or waiting for the next crisis to resolve? Do you want freedom to sleep in, to eat what you want without criticism, to invest your time and money how you wish? Do you want to belly laugh with those you love in an atmosphere of playfulness and joy?
Once you’ve identified the primary and any secondary essences, those become your north star. Decision-making is now so much easier. Is that party invitation, gift exchange, cookie-baking party, or breakfast with Santa in service to your endgame? If not, decline the invitation.
Trying to do it all leads to holiday FOMO and poor time management
My husband and I just recently went on an anniversary trip to Walt Disney World. Our couple trips are a stark contrast to the trips with all five kids. The kids will run from one end of the park to the other to make sure they experience everything, but when it’s just us, we focus on two to three priorities. Anything beyond those priorities is gravy.
For many (myself included when my kids were young), the holidays are like trying to see everything in a Disney park in a single day. It’s just not possible without running yourself ragged. Driven by FOMO (fear of missing out), we run from one holiday experience to the next, exhausting ourselves and enjoying little.
The key shift is to go back to what you’ve identified as your personal goal for the holiday season, then choose two to three activities that are most likely to cultivate your experience. Focus your time, attention, and bandwidth on those few priorities and be discerning about adding anything else.
Neglecting yourself fuels an unhealthy cycle
Years ago, I used to joke that on my list of priorities, I came below “feed the cat,” and I didn’t have a cat. The overt or latent tendency to put your needs last is heightened at this time of year. That alone has your body aching to sleep through the next few months.
Here’s how the cycle plays out for many: Insufficient sleep leads to daytime exhaustion. You drink caffeine or eat sugar to increase your energy, but both increase your cortisol levels (the stress hormone that’s already surging), making you more tired.
I only half-jokingly referred to the holiday season as a marathon. Building habits that improve your performance is critical for both. That means getting adequate sleep, drinking plenty of water, eating healthy foods, exercising, and creating opportunities to both physically and mentally relax. Being at your best enhances everyone’s experience of the season.
People-pleasing ends in burnout
How often have you gone to the Christmas party just so that your boss, friend, or family member doesn’t get upset? How often have you been at dinner with a toxic family member because your mom wants the whole family together? How often have you done the shopping and wrapping for a neighbor when you don’t have time to do your own?
People-pleasing is simply saying “yes” when you want to say “no.” Even if you’ve been working on not people-pleasing, the holidays can bring out this old, dysfunctional family dynamic and pattern. While breaking any dynamic or pattern can be challenging, it’s key to remember that you’re only responsible for your own happiness. Your mom, sister, best friend, and boss are responsible for their own happiness. Quite simply, their happiness is not your job. Spending your time trying to do someone else’s job is a quick path to exhaustion. Focus on the experience you want to create.
Now, will others say you’re selfish? Sure, but that’s their dysfunction talking. Your choosing to do what’s best for you is best for everyone. You can’t host because you have too much on your plate this year? This prompts everyone to find an alternative — one that doesn’t leave you feeling bitter and resentful. You decline an invitation to a family dinner because your toxic sister will be there? The others can choose to confront or enable her hurtful behavior, while you role model prioritizing your well-being.
7 steps to tackling holiday dread, stress, and burnout
If you’re feeling the exhaustion and holiday dread already, chances are you are experiencing one or more of these energy leaks. Maybe you’re experiencing all of them. Start at the beginning, then take each next step.
- Decide what you want your holiday experience to be like.
- Next, identify the essence you wish to cultivate and experience.
- Then prioritize three things this season that will help you cultivate or experience that essence.
- Before you take on anything else, check in with your body. Do you need more sleep or downtime instead?
- Focus on being present in your holiday festivities and in your downtime, so that you consciously experience the feelings of love, joy, and peace.
- Give yourself permission to be unapologetically you.
- Grant others the privilege of creating their own happiness, while you role-model creating yours.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, M.D., is a trauma, covert narcissistic abuse, and rapid narcissistic abuse recovery expert who helps soul-driven leaders transcend their past narcissistic abuse to create greater impact and fulfillment while they change the world. Download your FREE “Physician’s Guide to Holiday Dread” (The 7-Step Antidote) and find out more about working with Dr. Melissa on her website.
