Ah, the holidays. This time of year would be so darned perfect if only our expectations for unbridled seasonal joy weren’t tempered by those pesky real-life realities: missing loved ones, families fractured by divorce, empty nests, job losses, tough diagnoses…the list goes on (and on). Like that 1,000th rendition of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” piped everywhere in earshot, during the holiday season any kind of loss becomes impossible to ignore — even more than usual.
But where do these idyllic holiday visions come from, anyway? Society sends us all kinds of messages: ads with scores of happy relatives seated contentedly around endless dining tables covered in gourmet concoctions. Reminders to step back and soak in our chosen holiday’s true meaning, alongside stories of “holiday miracles” and superhuman acts of giving. Speaking of giving: How about those 1,000 daily emails we’re all sorting through right now trying to find that perfect gift to wow everyone on our list?
It’s no wonder we feel like we aren’t “doing it right” if our perfect holidays don’t materialize. If we also happen to be staring down the season while feeling any kind of loss? Not only do things feel far from perfect — we can feel downright alienated. We may as well, we think, just hibernate from the rest of the world’s reveling until January 2 rolls around (bah humbug).
But we’re here to remind you that the construct of a perfect holiday is just that — a construct. Behind every influencer’s “dream tablescape” is a team of staffers and at least one burnt pie. It’s simply not possible to walk around in a state of constant, holiday-induced gratitude. And let’s be honest, the odds are that those gifts you’re obsessing over finding now will end up in a drawer somewhere come spring. The reality is, most of us have something to grieve and that feeling doesn’t just get paused for a holiday commercial break.
Choose to chase holiday joy in whatever form you wish.
As a wife missing her husband, and a mom missing the time before her child’s life-limiting diagnosis, we’re here to suggest a new way to holiday (yes, as a verb) if you, too, are pushing back on perfection while missing someone or something. Our advice? Think of your holiday as a choose-your-own adventure: Do the little things you love, decline the things you know you won’t — and if you hit an icy patch, do what we Northeasterners were taught in driving school: Just steer into it.
Bring Your Missing Person
If you’ve lost a loved one, the idea of omitting their presence from your holiday celebration likely makes the ache more acute. So, bring them in: Challenge each of your guests to tell a story about the one who’s missing — one they’re confident others haven’t heard. It could be anything from a private moment to a funny misunderstanding, or even a story they were told in confidence. Not only will it give those gathered the chance to acknowledge their loss, but everyone will leave with a deeper sense of the person they loved (and probably some laughs and tears, too).
Go Big or Go Home
Research shows that we can actually reverse the effects of chronic stress by engaging in any kind of spiritual act. This means thinking bigger than ourselves, but that can be through small and simple acts: yoga, meditation, acts of volunteering, a religious service if you’re so inclined. Not only does it get us away from the “all about stuff” holiday vibe, it can actually reset our mindset by setting our own hardships and disappointments in a broader, more manageable context.
Bring in the New
We’re just saying: Maybe recent changes in your circumstances are your big flashing light (and permission slip) to give old traditions a rethink and switch things up. Does everyone actually hate that holiday menu handed down over three generations? Try its culinary opposite. That White Elephant swap always ends in a screaming match? Play board games instead. (No one needs that $25 gadget anyway.) Heck, one friend of ours even suggested an ugly wrapping contest using everything from an old T-shirt to a crumpled map. The point is, anything goes: It’s your holiday, too.
Say No — and Take No for an Answer
Choosing your own holiday adventure means foregoing the many “have tos” that come ‘round this time of year. Doesn’t matter how hyper-organized you are (and proud of it) — December always has 31 days, so choices must be made. “No” is a declarative sentence, so practice using it. In turn, commit to being gracious when you get one from someone else. Letting each other off the hook: Best gift ever.
Choose Clarity
As hard as the holiday may be for you, others may be wondering just what you need to make it easier. So be clear with your hosts and co-celebrants by telling them exactly how you’ll participate. If it’s better to stay in a hotel — do that. If you can’t join for the entire time — say that. Being present in the way that best suits you will make everyone’s holiday happier.
Play Musical Chairs
Let’s face it, this season can stir up some well-worn family dynamics that you can do without this year (or any year) — including alliances and long-standing grudges. Why not change up your table seating, whether asking guests to avoid their “assigned” seat or trading seats between courses? Or make like our friends across the pond and simply speak to the person to your right for some part of the meal, then switch to your left, for some spruced-up conversation.
Stop Should-ing
The holidays can put a lot of “should”s on our shoulders: We should stick to the plan, we should do what we’ve always done — even if loss has us feeling avoidant. Instead, why not focus on what you could do: Choose to chase holiday joy in whatever form you wish, knowing perfection simply isn’t possible.
It’s tempting to believe you’re the only grieving grinch on the holiday scene, but rest assured that’s just because you’ve been served up some misleading media messages alongside that dry turkey. This season, we suggest hopping off the Perfection Express in favor of a scenic ride to whatever stop brings you some joy — even if the landscape looks different than you’d hoped.
Stephanie Carter is a writer and the wife of late Secretary of Defense Ash Carter. Jennifer Handt is a writer, special needs mother and rare disease advocate. Together, they are developing a book about moving forward after loss.
