“Gratitude should not silence your pain or diminish your needs. True gratitude grows alongside self-awareness, not at the expense of it.”
— Unknown
As a life coach, I’m a pathological positive thinker. The foundation of positivity is noticing what is working, opening your eyes to all of the good that surrounds you, and seeking out fresh perspectives that uplift and empower you. So much of this is grounded in gratitude.
In the last decade, the benefits of giving thanks have become more widely known. This was in part because of the pretty gratitude journals that dropped into every Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and Home Goods on the map but more so due to the uncovered research that proved that the act of appreciation has a host of mental and physical benefits. Studies have shown that feeling thankful can improve sleep, mood, and immunity and can decrease depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and risk of disease.
In short, it’s healing and powerful and can bring your good fortune into sharp focus. Applying gratitude can shift your vision from a state of “what’s missing?” to “what’s amazing!” about your life already.
That said, we can take a good thing too far. Just as toxic positivity exists, so does toxic gratitude. When we feel obliged to feel thankful constantly, which is inevitable as the gratitude-packed holidays descend upon us, it can be easy to minimize some of our true feelings and overlook our needs. The pressure to look around and appreciate what we have — whether it’s something we want or not — can act as a blindfold or band-aid over what needs to change for you to find peace and happiness. And when you start shaming yourself for not feeling thankful, you could end up on a self-destructive path. It gets particularly toxic when we feel pressured to be grateful for events that caused us pain or trauma that we haven’t necessarily dealt with yet — just because “they brought us here.”
But it is possible to strike the right balance between gratitude and groundedness. We can enjoy the essence of the season and be conscious of some unhelpful trends that you can release as required. To start, give yourself permission to let go of gratitude for any or all of the following:
Believing that all you have is enough (AKA settling)
Don’t get me wrong, this sentiment can be beautiful. It’s about feeling deeply content, finding peace in the present, and dropping the need to constantly achieve more.
But sometimes, we feel guilty for having natural desires surrounding ambition, adventure, or abundance. Here’s the thing that’s easily overlooked: Gratitude isn’t meant to make you settle. Sometimes, we use it as a bit of a cover story, telling ourselves, “I should just be grateful for what I have,” and using that as a reason to hold back instead of making the moves that excite us. That’s not real gratitude. It’s often fear masked in nobility.
Gratitude and growth can (and should!) happily co-exist. You can enjoy where you are and be eager for more. You can love what is and boldly seek out what calls to you. Seeking a promotion, for example, doesn’t mean you’re rejecting your current job and time with your family; it just means you’re ready to embrace your skills and their appropriate expansion.
Taking sh*t from relatives because “family is everything”
As someone who grew up in a home with addiction and mental illness, I learned the hard way and now instill in my clients that family does not get a free pass to mistreat you. This is where self-awareness needs to come in. Given that many of us will be spending time with loved ones around this time of year, it’s helpful to tune into ourselves and “temperature check” how being around family feels.
‘Tis the season for constant reminders that family is “everything,” which can put a lot of pressure on those who don’t get along with their relatives for very legitimate reasons. Don’t let sappy commercials pressure you into feeling guilty for setting boundaries. And remember that “family” doesn’t have to be blood.
If Aunt Sally berates your childfree choices over turkey or condemns your political views over pie, you don’t have to sit there and take it. Enduring criticism from blood relatives because “blood is thicker than water” is not only unfair, it can even be damaging. While family is undeniably important, preserving relationships shouldn’t come at the cost of your well-being.
You have options. You can limit your time with certain family members, steer the conversation elsewhere, excuse yourself for a walk, or set a boundary with the toxic relative, saying something like, “I can see this matters to you, but I’m not going to talk about it anymore.” If your mom chides you for “not being grateful for everything” she’s done for you immediately after you shut down her harsh criticisms, know that this is a manipulation tactic.
Protecting your peace is self-respect, not disrespect to the idea of familial ties or anyone on your family tree.
Trying to foster thanks surrounding something bad that happened to you
Did someone say gaslighting? I once coached a young woman who was told to be “grateful to her abuser for giving her the opportunity to heal.” Oh boy. Talk about a twisted and harmful narrative. Sometimes, bypassing trauma masquerades as a kind of “spiritual gratitude.” This especially takes place when we’re not comfortable sharing what’s really going on inside of us — either with people we trust or a professional. Our feelings need to be felt and heard to be healed. We must give ourselves the grace to process what’s painful, not just skip right over the hard part and seek out an immediate silver lining because, hey, it could also be worse, right? And we’re stronger because of it, right? That sentiment is toxic gratitude defined.
Gratitude isn’t pretending suffering is a gift. It’s not about sugarcoating a painful event. It’s not about denying anything or rewriting history. It’s about finding self-compassion and light where you can while remaining rooted in reality. Real gratitude (not the cheap, happy, performative kind) doesn’t dismiss your experience, ever. It helps you honor and appreciate your resilience and strength, and find tender-heartedness for yourself as you move forward.
Gratitude lists!
One of the most popular interviews on my podcast was with burnout expert Cate Donovan. She advised us to throw out our gratitude journals (yes, really!) and replace them with resentment journals. Why? Because resentment reveals to us everywhere our boundaries aren’t.
What if we tried this kind of journaling instead, even just for a couple of weeks? What might your resentment journal tell you about the relationships that drain you, the obligations that strain you, or how you overextend yourself? Resentment can be a loving guide and even a sharp alarm clock: Wake up! Enough of this! Stop that! Don’t push down your feelings! You matter!
A surefire sign that you’re on track with your healthy gratitude practice is your sense of peace and well-being. But to achieve that, you must acknowledge what you’re not grateful for and make changes. Remember, two things can be true at once: You’re allowed to appreciate your life and want more. You’re allowed to set boundaries with family and love them. You’re allowed to honor your pain and find joy. You’re allowed to say no and remain a good, generous, kind person.
We know that this season is all about giving thanks, sharing goodwill, and spreading the love. But overdoing it or forcing it in places that aren’t warranted can create inner turmoil that’ll block any gratitude for yourself.
Susie Moore is a British life coach, author, and host of the top-rated podcast Let It Be Easy. She’s a sought-after expert for media outlets and has been featured on the TODAY Show, Good Morning America, Business Insider, Oprah, The Wall Street Journal, and more. Sign up for her six journal prompts to Coach Yourself to Success in 6 Days.
