The little things add up — and can take their toll (and speed up aging). Here’s how to cultivate a happier life.
Navigating life during the pandemic has taught us many things. For New York-based psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, MD, one lesson became particularly clear: “We’ve learned during the pandemic that there are a lot of things we can’t control. But when you figure out what you have power over, you can take action rather than spinning in a cycle of inertia and inaction,” Dr. Boardman explains.
So, what do we have power over? Our reaction to how easily we jump over the hurdles thrown our way. Take, for example, the classic scenario of spilling coffee on your shirt before a big meeting. You can get angry, upset, and frustrated, or you can search for the silver lining. Maybe you’re working from home, so you can pop into your closet and quickly replace your top. Or you might take it as a sign to finally buy that blouse you’ve been eyeing on your lunch break. See, maybe it’s not so bad after all?
According to Dr. Boardman, how well we react to these seemingly insignificant stresses in everyday life does matter. When those stresses add up and we don’t have the proper coping mechanisms, they can affect how well we age, and how healthy we are both mentally and physically.
Dr. Boardman explores her prescription for managing life’s daily stresses in her new book, Everyday Vitality.
We asked her to explain what vitality is, exactly, and why it’s so crucial for a full (and healthy) life. Check out our first conversation below and stay tuned for more advice from Dr. Boardman — about how to age and live well, an idea we’re calling “modern aging” — over the next month.
Let’s talk about vitality. How do you define vitality? Is it a mental state, physical state, or both?
It’s both. Vitality is that positive feeling of aliveness and energy that sends your body and your brain the message that you’re up to the task of life — that you’re ready for anything. Vitality is such a major component of everyday resilience. Oftentimes, we talk about resilience in the context of the big and bad things that can happen to someone. I think of that as a ‘big R’ resilience. For the most part, people are quite resilient to those big boulders that hit us.
What got me interested in this topic was how the daily grind and the daily hassles are really what get us down, physically and mentally. What does “little r” resilience look like? The “little r” resilience helps you manage and navigate those pebbles that are in your shoe in a daily way. I thought that the best way to build a “little r” resilience was with vitality. When you have a sense of vitality, those hassles aren’t really hassles, they’re only potential hassles. It’s how you interpret them that actually turn them into hassles.
What are some examples of “pebbles,” or daily frustrations, that impact our sense of vitality?
Pebbles are the little things: the hassles, the frustrations, or the irritants that cast a shadow over our everyday life. It’s the traffic jam, an irritating interaction with a colleague, getting splashed as the bus drives by. It’s the stuff that we can’t control. People keep telling us, “Oh, get rid of the stress in your life,” but what about the stuff we can’t get rid of or can’t control? I think the pandemic has shown us there are a lot of things in our lives that we can’t control. But the problem with hassles is that they accumulate.
So, how can you cultivate a sense of vitality and help prevent everyday hurdles from affecting your overall health?
I think the three primary interventions that really help people have a better day and feel stronger, even within their stress, are:
- Connecting well with others: Are you having meaningful conversations? Are you providing the experience of self-love for someone? Do you feel responded to and do you feel love? Having those types of connections can sometimes take a little bit of effort. It might be making coffee for your partner in the morning, but those little gestures of love go such a long way toward making us feel strong.
- Contributing to something beyond yourself: What are you doing to serve others? It might be really simple, like holding the door for somebody, or picking up some groceries for your neighbor.
- Challenging yourself in a positive way: Do you feel like you’re stretching yourself in some form?
I think when you have those three key elements in your everyday life, to some extent, you’re going to feel so much more fortified and stronger as you deal with the hassles of everyday life. Those pebbles aren’t going to be as irritating. They’re all experiences of positivity, and not just in a pure pleasurable way, but in a meaningful way. When we spend our time enacting our values in our everyday lives, that makes us far more resilient.
How can you make sure your everyday actions are aligning with your values?
When your values and actions actually overlap, you’re far more fortified. I think it’s very important to get those elements in line with each other. All too often, we’re sort of like tumbleweeds — things are happening, work schedules fill up, we’re just getting blown about by the whims of the world around us. But we can feel more vital and have more “little r” resilience when we’re more deliberate about it.
How can cultivating vitality have long-term effects on our bodies? Does it affect how well we age?
Oftentimes people might not be able to check all the boxes that would qualify for a clinical depression, but they’re feeling overwhelmed, down, and just keeping their head above water. They’re managing, but they’re far from thriving. It’s the little stuff that takes a toll. It’s the frustration, the irritation, the conflict with your co-worker, and it really adds up. It affects your immune system, how likely you are to get a common cold, your susceptibility to the flu virus, your weight. If somebody has lots of little hassles in their daily life, they’re much more likely five years later to be obese.
You really have to think about how you’re managing your daily grind. The seemingly insignificant things, like the slings and arrows that are getting thrown at you all the time, are going to have long-term health effects. If you’re constantly pummeled by the pebbles in your daily life, that can be an on-ramp to depression or anxiety. Having that sense of daily vitality can protect you and fortify you against the longer mental and physical effects of the daily grind that really get at us.
Is there any correlation between your level of resiliency and your age?
I think when you look at young people, they’re in this expansive stage of life. They’re looking to try new things all the time and searching for the things that they love to do. The hardest time for most people is middle age. We know there’s a dip in wellbeing at that point, but the good news is, it seems to get better. As we get older, we’re more focused and aware of what brings us fulfillment and joy in our lives. We’re getting better as we get older, and it becomes a lot easier to be more discerning and get less irritated by the little things. I think most of us are like fine wines: We get calmer and happier as we get older.
