The grief is inevitable, but there are ways to make it easier.
No one knows for sure what happens to us after we die, but we do know what happens to our loved ones: They’ll grieve, and they’ll also have a very long to-do list.
Losing you will undoubtedly be difficult, but you can actually make it less complicated by thoroughly planning in advance — and we turned to Zoie Kujawa, an Oregon-based death doula who’s made it her life’s work to help clients demystify the process of dying, to find out how to do it. Her first piece of advice: No matter how young and healthy you are, start now.
“Everybody should be doing this as early as possible, regardless of age or health status,” Kujawa advises. “It’s never too early to start gathering things.”
Keep reading for more of her estate planning tips that will make your death easier (logistically, at least) for those you leave behind.
Start with creating your official end-of-life documents
This can get increasingly complicated depending on your assets and your specific circumstances, but the two primary documents you’ll want to think about first are an advance directive and a will.
Your advance directive outlines what will happen in the event that you become incapacitated and are unable to communicate decisions about your treatment, such as whether or not you’d want to be intubated, resuscitated, or kept on life support. And if you take care of it now and then are lucky enough to live many more happy years, you’re always free to change your mind about something.
“You can edit it as much as you want to,” Kujawa says, “but you’ll have a template that you’re working from, and you can just change details here and there.”
The document will be signed by witnesses and notarized, so it’s totally official, but Kujawa adds an important warning: Unfortunately, it’s not exactly uncommon for doctors (or even family members) to go against what’s in the directive nonetheless. That’s why it’s crucial to be strategic about who you select as your official advocate.
“That’s the caveat: Who are you naming to be your healthcare representative or your power of attorney if you’re incapacitated?” Kujawa says. “And do you trust that person to carry out your wishes?”
This directive will cover you through your final moments, but your will is where you’ll dictate exactly what should happen to everything you’ll leave behind.
“The advance directive is everything before death, and the will is about what happens afterward,” Kujawa says. “So that’s where you decide: Where’s my property going? Who’s getting what? What happens to my kids and my pets?”
When it comes to your dependents, the first step is choosing a guardian who will step in upon your death — and naming an alternate in case your first choice is unable to fulfill those duties. And you can be as specific as you’d like in transferring important information to that guardian to make an emotional transition as comforting as possible.
“You can include things like nicknames, how each child likes to be comforted, their different personalities, their allergies, where their birth certificates are,” Kujawa explains. “You can even go into their routines: Who is their pediatrician? Who are their teachers? What are their food preferences? Any of this can be helpful in sharing more detail about who they are.”
Decide what you want to happen to your body
The most common preference, according to data from the National Funeral Directors Association, is cremation, which is what happened to 57.5 percent of the people who died in 2021. Another 36.6 percent opted for a traditional burial. But neither is cheap — the average funeral with a viewing and burial costs $7,848 last year, while the average funeral with cremation was only slightly less at $6,971.
But from donating your body to science to the increasingly popular natural burial and beyond, there’s a whole host of options for what can be done with your physical form once you’ve left it. It’s important to choose whatever feels right to you personally — and to communicate that choice clearly with your loved ones.
Kujawa is a big believer in the idea that talking about death more often will help to massage our fears, and she says the conversation about burial should be a common one. “Just talking about it is one of the best things,” she says. “I’ve become the person in my family who brings it up all the time.”
And if you are open to debating the merits of burial versus cremation with your family, your comfort with the subject matter might even prompt them to think more deeply about their own opinion.
“If you’re one of those people who’s open to the conversation, just start with yourself. Start talking about what you want, and just be curious, like, ‘Oh, have you ever thought about what you would want?’” Kujawa says. “A lot of people do have an idea, but some are afraid to talk about it. But if they’re gently exposed to it enough, they’ll come up with their answer.”
Consider leaving behind messages for after you’re gone
Some people are lucky enough to live a life so full that it feels like nothing’s left unsaid when it ends. But even in that case, your loved ones will cherish anything you leave behind to remind them of your love — which they can use to help them through the grieving process or simply as a way to continue to honor your memory as their life goes on.
“Some people are natural writers and some people are natural speakers, so you might be more comfortable in one of those different formats,” Kujawa says. “I always suggest going with whatever you feel called to do, but I do think a video is great, especially for kiddos who were young when their parents died. To be able to see a face and hear a voice is pretty powerful.”
And if a recorded message does seem like the right way to go, focus your energy on the content instead of the production value.
“The way technology is, it’s almost hard to have bad quality these days, even with an iPhone. You don’t have to be fancy. It’s more about the meaning than what it looks like,” Kujawa says.
Collect important information in a single, easy-to-find location
Once you’re gone, your family will have plenty to take care of, and for many of those tasks they’ll need essential documents like your birth certificate, Social Security card, or passport. It’s best to make it as easy as possible for them to track those things down without having to search your home high and low in their most visceral moments of mourning.
“Keep those things in one area, maybe in an office or a lockbox,” Kujawa says. “Make sure it’s accessible. Or you can even have a file on your computer that outlines what you have and where it can be found.”
Of course, that would require a loved one to be aware the file exists and be able to access your computer. Passwords for every facet of your digital life are another thing that can be majorly helpful to your family as they decide what to do with your various profiles. It’s especially important for them to access accounts that are linked to your finances, but any online presence you currently maintain may be worthy of consideration.
“Think of every account that you have open on the Internet right now, whether it’s social media, email, Netflix, PayPal, Venmo. All of those accounts don’t just deactivate when you die,” Kujawa says.
And what if some of those accounts, files, and personal ephemera are better off never seeing the light of day? Kujawa says there’s a clear resource for that: Your BFF.
“Some friends have pacts, like, ‘When I die, here’s where you can find my hidden things so you can burn them.’ One of my friends has sent us photos in case she ever goes missing — she chose the ones we’re allowed to give to police so she can control which pictures people are looking at,” Kujawa says. “So go to your best friends. They’re the people for that.”
