She spoke to therapist Whitney Goodman about the dangers of forced positivity.
I’m a glass-full person, always looking for the good. Yes, my late husband, Jay, told me I was “born on a sunny day.” That scene in South Pacific when Mitzi Gaynor sings, “So they called me a cockeyed optimist…” Yep, that’s me.
Wait a second…could my brand of positivity actually be…TOXIC? The term “toxic positivity” recently entered the lexicon, and as Carrie Bradshaw might say, “I couldn’t help but wonder…is looking on the bright side producing more darkness than light?”
That’s something that I discussed in a recent episode of Kate Bowler’s podcast “Everything Happens for a Reason,” which is a common refrain by purveyors of toxic positivity. In fact, I still wrestle with the upbeat attitude I had during the course of Jay’s illness. I think so many of us simply don’t have the vocabulary to comfort people we love, so we default to simplistic, greeting card aphorisms. But as Kate says, “positivity becomes toxic when it prevents us from being able to speak honestly about our circumstances.”
I wanted to find out more about this phenomenon that, under the guise of cheering people up, can actually cause more pain. So I reached out to Whitney Goodman, LMFT, psychotherapist and author of Toxic Positivity, to explain. Here’s our (lightly edited) conversation!
Katie Couric: What are the roots of toxic positivity?
Whitney Goodman: Toxic positivity got its start in religion mainly because religion was the dominant cultural force at the time. As positive thinking spread, we saw it becoming more prominent in healthcare and the workplace. There was nothing a positive mindset couldn’t help you achieve, whether that was a ticket to heaven, a favor from God, health, or money and success.
What made you want to tackle this topic? Did something happen in your life that made you realize the negative effects of nonstop positivity?
I recognized the toxic positivity in my life after I started researching this topic. But, as a therapist, I started to see that all of my clients were saying things like “I know I should be positive, but…” or “I know I shouldn’t complain, but…” I realized that the pressure to always appear positive and grateful had extended into the therapy room where people really should be able to be honest and themselves. The more I began talking about this with my clients, friends, and family, the more perverse I realized the issue was.
What are some health issues toxic positivity can cause or exacerbate?
Ultimately toxic positivity leads to emotional suppression. What we see in the research is that suppressing emotions actually just makes them more intense. Emotional suppression has been shown to be associated with higher rates of heart disease, autoimmune disorders, and gastrointestinal complications. People who suppress their emotions will also likely have issues within their relationships.
How can you avoid being a positivity pusher?
Most people use toxic positivity because they want to be helpful. What I have discovered through my work is that allowing people to feel their feelings and meeting them with compassion, empathy, and understanding actually goes much farther. When you feel the urge to give a positive platitude, I recommend instead validating their feelings with something like, “That is hard” or “That makes sense,” or asking questions like, “What is the hardest part for you?” and “What do you think is making you worried?” It’s also OK to admit that you’re scared, too, or maybe that you don’t know what to say.
Is there a connection between toxic positivity and people-pleasing?
I think the pressure to be happy and positive is related. We are taught from a young age that being happy is the goal and happy people are the best people. People tend to be rewarded for always being positive and happy. They’re much more agreeable and easy to be around, which can reinforce this idea that we have to be happy and positive all the time in order to be liked.
Let’s talk about the opposite of toxic positivity. The Atlantic called it “Tragic Optimism.” Do you think going to the extreme opposite of toxic positivity is healthy or do you try to help people find a happy medium? And how do you get there?
You can be an optimistic person and not engage in toxic positivity. I think when people hear the phrase “toxic positivity,” they often fear that the antidote is just to be negative all the time. What I try to instill in my clients and what I write about in the book is that there is a happy medium where we can radically accept what is and have hope that things will improve in the future. This allows us to identify what we can control and what we need to accept in order to move forward or problem solve.
Are there actually some benefits of being a negative Nancy?
The thoughts that we tend to label as “negative” actually have a lot of value. They help us identify what is important, inspire problem-solving, help us set boundaries, and even help inspire creativity. We have to know what we don’t like and what brings up a negative reaction in us.
People who complain are often called whiners or too negative. But you write about the importance of complaining and say there are ways to do it effectively. Can you explain?
Effective complaining can be really beneficial. What we see in the research is that when you’re able to identify what exactly is upsetting you (the complaint), what you want to change or what you want to happen, and who can make that happen, complaining is actually quite effective. In these cases, we’re able to get our needs met and often create change.
Can you give me some examples of expressions of positivity and what would be more helpful in their place?
Yes! I often post them on my Instagram. You can find a few here:
My friend Kate Bowler, who has stage four colon cancer, can’t stand when people say, “Everything happens for a reason.” Are there other “words of wisdom” that should be struck from our vocabulary?
I think several of the ones listed above, like “time heals all wounds,” “at least it’s not X,” “your thoughts create your reality,” and “just be happy!”
What are good responses when people say inane things like that, not realizing how infuriating they may be?
There are a few options:
- Say nothing and decide not to go to them in the future.
- Say nothing and just ignore it.
- “I really appreciate that you’re trying to help, and I just need someone to listen right now.”
- “I totally understand that might be helpful for you, and it’s really not helpful for me right now.”
- “It’s not helpful when you say X. Can you try [insert strategy or phrase] instead?”
- “I appreciate you trying to help. It would be really helpful if you could say X instead.”
- “It really hurts/upsets me when you say that when I’m struggling.”
- ”I’m not really in a place where I can hear that and believe it right now.”
I think I might have tried too hard to be positive when my husband Jay was sick, so he wouldn’t give up hope. Unfortunately, that kept us from having some very important, meaningful conversations. Is this a common mistake when people are dealing with terminal illness? How does toxic positivity play into these situations?
Yes, I actually tell a story about a parent and child in my book in this same situation. I find that trying to be too positive and manifest a different outcome often inhibits people from seeing what is in front of them and sharing that experience. When you’re unable to radically accept reality and are clinging only to the possibility that things could be different, it’s so hard to have conversations about what is actually happening and to plan for the future.
Are there any times when positivity — even if it’s unrealistic — is in order?
What the research shows is that positive fantasies can actually be quite helpful at times.
Gabriele Oettingen, Ph.D., a researcher and author of Rethinking Positive Thinking, conducted several studies on the impact of positive fantasies and dreams on motivation. Dr. Oettingen found that dreams or positive fantasies help distract us while we’re waiting or getting through something quite difficult. This strategy has been used by combat soldiers, prisoners, and at the end of life. It is most useful when there is no opportunity for action and we just need to get through. It provides short-term pleasure and keeps people engaged in the process of waiting.
How does social media perpetuate and enable the culture of “toxic positivity”?
Social media is actually where I first discovered this phenomenon. While I think the perfectly curated Instagram is starting to fall out of fashion, there is still pressure to always look like you’re achieving, doing well, healthy, happy, etc. We are constantly performing online and it makes it very difficult to really be authentic.
