When, around three weeks ago, I saw a video pop up on my Instagram feed about the “The We Do Not Care Club” — created by the funny and unapologetic Melani Sanders (@justbeingmelani) — I stopped scrolling and smiled. The first things I thought of? The fact that I don’t care about saying no more than I say yes, going braless in public, or what other people think. Sign me up!
The We Do Not Care Club is a virtual perimenopause and menopause-club-turned-movement sparked by Sanders, who’s sharing a simple but powerful message from peri- and postmenopausal women everywhere: When it comes to playing nice or following the “rules,” we no longer give a damn.
In the first post I saw, she had just left the grocery store and was in her car talking about what she didn’t care about; it went viral almost immediately. Since then, the phrase has become a rallying cry for women in midlife who are done performing and ready to speak the truth. Melani currently has 783K followers on Instagram, and the number of women joining her unofficial online “club” grow with each post. And there‘s no membership card required…just simple honesty.
Her post wasn’t loud or flashy — just real. And it hit me right where I live. But the truth is, I’m 54 and I do care about some things: I care deeply about women in midlife. I care about breaking the silence around perimenopause and menopause. I care about making sure women know how to take charge of their health and use their voices to advocate for themselves.
But I don’t care anymore about playing small. I don’t care about being palatable. And I most definitely don’t care about all the outdated rules that say women have to disappear as they age. Because that’s simply not going to happen.
We’re finally letting go of what no longer serves us, like unrealistic expectations, shame and silence. For those of us navigating perimenopause, menopause, complicated relationships, and career pivots, that clarity is hard-earned. And I have really found letting go to be, dare I say it, deeply liberating.
Now, when I find that I somehow put my keys in the fridge, I accept that fact. When I want to stay in my robe until 3pm, I don’t judge myself anymore: I embrace her.
Melani regularly shares things that we — peri- and postmenopausal women — have decided “We Do Not Care” about, including wearing “supportive” bras. Or whether our clothes match. Or being on time. (Be happy we showed up at all.) And if we’re watching TV instead of cleaning the kitchen? That’s called self-care. The WDNC Club gives us permission to stop asking for permission.
Sanders said it herself: “I didn’t plan to start a movement. I just hit record on a day when I felt really honest, and really tired of performing.” (I can totally relate to that.) The result? Women from Scotland to Sydney are chiming in, forming their own chapters of the We Do Not Care Club.
Women want to be seen, heard, and valued as we are, not as we used to be or are expected to be. We’re not chasing youth, we’re chasing the truth. Midlife isn’t a crisis, it’s a wake-up call — one that says, “Hey, most of that stuff you worried about? It doesn’t matter.”
We’re louder now, bolder, funnier. More ourselves than ever. BTW if you’re reading this in mismatched pajamas while drinking your third cup of lukewarm coffee, congratulations: You’re already in the club.
So go ahead, leave Melani a comment on her Instagram account, explaining what you don’t care about. Then leave the dishes in the sink. Forget your kids’ friend’s mom’s name. Skip the gym if you’re tired. Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes or your hair is in a messy bun.
We’re here. We’re loud. We’re unfiltered. And we do not care.
Tamsen Fadal is the NY Times bestselling author of the book How to Menopause: Take Charge of Your Health, Reclaim Your Life, and Feel Even Better than Before, a podcaster, and menopause advocate.
