A friend of mine who turned 50 last year told me that it felt like so much more than “a milestone.” To her, this birthday felt like a wake-up call.
She didn’t love her job. She wanted to be in a new relationship after her divorce. She realized that she’d been more of an observer than a participant in life in recent years and had even started to feel “invisible” as a woman. It was as if she suddenly saw how small she was living and how much she was limiting herself, especially as she aged. This arrival of a new decade was a nudge to start taking her priorities and her time more seriously.
While this phase has historically been given an unfounded bad rap, midlife is an incredible opportunity to reassess what you believe you deserve to make sure you’re not accepting any less. You’re no longer burdened by the insecurities of youth or the need to prove yourself to everyone. You’ve got real-life experience, perspective, and (hopefully!) more of a “take no sh*t” attitude that only comes with time. This is the moment to relish the biggest, boldest version of you.
But if you’re creating self-imposed limits, underestimating yourself, holding back on showing up as the real you, or even coasting along in your comfort zone because you feel you’ve got enough or you’re too old to take big risks, you’re missing out on so much.
If you feel the itch to experience more as you get older, you’re not alone. According to a U.K. National Health Service study, women are generally less happy than men for most of their lives, surpassing them only once they hit their mid-80s.
In my experience as a life coach, I’ve seen this in the form of women holding themselves back. Maybe you always tell yourself you have enough or don’t want to risk embarrassment or find yourself taking the safest or most predictable route, only to be a little less satisfied at the end of the day. I remind clients of all ages that it’s never too late to step out of your comfort zone, and there are a lot of exciting life experiences awaiting outside it.
If you’re ready for more in midlife, here are five questions to ask yourself to help you get there.
What’s one area of my life that’s begging for an upgrade?
Break your life into 8 segments:
- Health and Well-Being
- Relationships
- Career and Work
- Personal Growth
- Leisure and Recreation
- Contribution and Legacy
- Environment and Surroundings
- Financial Security
Then, give each segment a rating out of 10 — 10 being wildly satisfied.
Often people don’t realize what they’re neglecting until they look directly at it. I’ve had clients tell me, “Oh, I had no idea I don’t make leisure and recreation (aka, fun!) a priority!” or notice that they no longer love their home or even their city. Some suddenly see they want to make strides with financial security, others with health or career.
A quick rating on this gives you an immediate understanding of your MPO — most pressing opportunity. Because our greatest area of change is our biggest opportunity for growth and joy. What’s yours?
What would my younger self be proud to see me doing now?
By midlife, most of us have faced setbacks, disappointments, and detours we probably didn’t expect. These can shake our confidence and make us question ourselves, our decisions, and the overall path we’re on.
Are you where you hoped you’d be today? Most people answer no to this question — because, well, life. This doesn’t mean anything is necessarily wrong — it just means there’s room for improvement. Take a beat to recalibrate and see how you can realign your reality with your biggest desires.
This is a great time to check in with the wise younger you. The younger versions of ourselves were likely more limitless in our thinking. They were onto something. What would younger you be proud of in your life today? Write a list, and don’t hold back. Even though life might not have unfolded on the perfect path you had planned, most people are still doing far better than they think they are.
Would you be proud of your family? Your career success? Your active lifestyle? Your intrepid travel experiences? Take a second to celebrate yourself as you are today. Let your life experiences so far remind you of who you really are (a badass! A survivor! A dreamer who made so much happen!)
Don’t stop there. This knowledge can fuel your next creative act. Now think, What might be missing from this list? You now have the advantage of two things at your fingertips: inspiration from the younger you and the wisdom and resilience that midlife has delivered.
What skills, strengths, or superpowers am I underestimating?
It’s easy to make bold moves when we’re rooted in our strengths. When you review the list of what you’re proud of, are any patterns popping out at you?
Maybe you’ve spent decades taking care of other people, which means that you’re incredibly patient, nurturing, and resourceful.
Maybe you’ve built multiple things from scratch — a career, a business, a home — revealing you’re strategic, hardworking, and disciplined.
Perhaps you’ve started over a time or two, proving you’re strong, adaptable, and resilient.
If you’ve moved around a lot, you must be open-minded, curious, and flexible.
List what qualities are clear when you pause and reflect. Recognition of these is evidence of a person who is capable of playing bigger. Because when we acknowledge the reality of our sturdy foundation, it can support us in reaching for more.
If I stopped caring what others thought, what would I do next?
We don’t admit it, but fear of what other people think of us keeps us small and has the potential to forever. We don’t want to be laughed at, ridiculed, judged, criticized, or even suffer a perceived failure in the eyes of others.
“Who does she think she is?” seems like a scary question to overhear.
But the answer is, she’s a woman living her life unconcerned by who people think she is! Think for a moment of three women you admire — maybe Viola Davis, Ina Garten, Brene Brown, Cher, Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Yeoh, Gloria Steinem, Victoria Beckham, Katie Couric (!), or friends and family members come to mind. Are they sitting around hoping not to ruffle any feathers or shield themselves from criticism? Not only are they taking up the space that they’re entitled to, but they show no signs of slowing down, which is worth remembering next time you think “it’s too late.”
We love these women for a reason: The light you see in them is your very own light being reflected back at you. Their traits exist in us, too, even if they’re not fully expressed yet. This is known as the “mirror effect.” The people we admire most often reflect our own untapped potential. The people we look up to are not so different from us; they’re just living examples of what we’re capable of achieving. And if you’re living and breathing, there’s no expiration date on your potential.
What’s one thing I’ve never done that I can try this year?
Instead of feeling overwhelmed with possibility and a huge to-do list, ask yourself, what’s one step forward I can take this year that will best boost my MPO (most pressing opportunity)?
You could step out of your social zone and attend a totally new event. You could reach out to someone you admire and ask for coffee. You could take a beginner class in something that interests you, learn a new skill, take a solo trip somewhere, or even launch a side hustle that’s based on your strengths.
Every small step forward counts. If you take one a week, in 52 weeks, you’ll have a completely bigger life. You’ll inspire others, too — because we all need more real-life role models.
Susie Moore is a British life coach, author, and host of the top-rated podcast Let It Be Easy. She’s a sought-after expert for media outlets and has been featured on the TODAY Show, Good Morning America, Business Insider, Oprah, The Wall Street Journal, and more. Sign up for her journal prompts to Coach Yourself to Success in 6 Days.
