We can’t transform society, but we can alter how we think about ourselves.
“I feel invisible,” my client said, struggling to hold back tears. “People used to look at me on the street, or pay attention when I talked. Now it feels like everyone ignores me, just because I’ve gotten older.”
I wasn’t surprised to hear this. As a feminist life coach, I work with women of all ages: I’ve had clients between the ages of 18 and 80. And I can’t count the number of times I’ve coached a woman about her fear of aging in the future — or her sadness about aging in the present.
That’s no surprise: Society programs negative beliefs about older women into our minds from the time we’re very young. We teach women that their value comes from looking nubile, being sexually available, and being fertile — and that once they’ve moved into middle age, they’re no longer relevant. Ageism has been called “one of the last socially acceptable prejudices”; it shows up often in employment contexts, and has even been associated with adverse health outcomes.
But what gets less attention is the way that we internalize society’s ageist messages and turn them against ourselves. Those messages get “remixed” in our brains, so to speak, and come out as our thoughts about ourselves. So as we age, we perceive ourselves in a way that mimics those negative messages. And because our brains are always interpreting the world around us to match our beliefs, it feels like there’s evidence everywhere that confirms our worst thoughts.
Let’s say you grew up hearing that a woman’s attractiveness was tied to her age. You saw that the stars of every romantic comedy are young women, and watched your mother fret about sunspots and cellulite. You heard men talk about menopause as the end of a woman’s desirability. You watched celebrities push the limits of medical science, trying to freeze their faces and “fight” time.
When you think that people won’t be attracted to you, you don’t even try to flirt or seduce — instead, you try to fade into the background.
As you get older, you look in the mirror, see under-eye crinkles, and think, Ugh, I look so old — and your stomach sinks, because that’s clearly a bad thing. You make conversation with someone at a party who keeps looking over your shoulder, and think, People used to be more interested in me when I was young and pretty. You walk down the street and no one catcalls or approaches you, and while that makes you happy, you also recall, I used to get so much attention.
These thoughts sound like your original thoughts, but they were programmed into your brain for decades by external forces. And they’re impacting how you feel and show up in the world, thereby reinforcing them. When you think that people aren’t interested in talking to you, you act more shy, disinterested, and reclusive. When you think that people won’t be attracted to you, you don’t even try to flirt or seduce — instead, you try to fade into the background and not draw attention to yourself. Your brain interprets the negative feedback and compiles it as more evidence that your thoughts were right. And the cycle continues.
We can’t transform society overnight, but we can alter how we think and speak about ourselves. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change itself, to grow new neural connections and create new thought patterns. We can capitalize on that ability by practicing new ways of thinking that will help us feel, show up, and see the world differently.
The key is to pick a thought that’s believable to you now. Maybe you can’t convince yourself that you’re a “gorgeous and sexy bombshell” immediately, but can you acknowledge the idea that people have been having sex with each other at all ages since time began? Do you notice how that thought sits differently in your body, and sparks a bit more confidence?
You can’t banish the messages you’ve been fed since girlhood. But by repeating believable thoughts that are even a slight improvement on your current thinking, you can rewire your brain. It might sound a little “woo-woo,” but each of us contributes to our own reality — and living in one that empowers instead of diminishes you is the first step to living your full potential. Which is something you can achieve whether you’re 18 or 80.
Kara Loewentheil is a graduate of Yale and Harvard Law School, the host of the UnF*ck Your Brain podcast, and the founder of The School of New Feminist Thought. Her first book, Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Brain – and How to Get It Out, is available now at Bookshop, or wherever books are sold; you can find her online at @karaloewentheil.
