How to Deal With Difficult Conversations, According to Adam Grant

With Americans pulling on opposite ends of the debate rope on abortion, policing, gun laws, and immigration (among many others), one thing is clear — people can’t seem to find common ground. And the data confirms this: A recent Pew survey found that 73 percent of Republicans and Democrats believe they don’t just disagree on policies and plans, but also on basic facts. In fact, according to a study published by scientists from Brown University and Stanford University, polarization is increasing more rapidly in the United States than in other prominent democracies such as Australia, Canada, and the United Kingdom. 

Pew found that 6 in 10 Americans find it stressful to discuss politics with people they disagree with, and this number has risen over time. (Well, at least the Republicans and Democrats agree on something.) With polarization on the rise, it’s more important than ever to understand how to navigate difficult conversations.  Organizational psychologist and author of the recent book Think Again, Adam Grant recently talked to KCM about the importance of debate — and suggestions for staying civil.

Imagine living in another person’s life

The “further” someone is from our vantage point, the more likely it is that we draw a caricature of them — to make assumptions about what they believe, how they think, and why they’re wrong. Grant believes it’s important to instead imagine what it would be like to have lived this person’s life. Grant says, “As people realize that their views might be a little different if they’ve been born in a different place or a different time or a different family, they realize their beliefs aren’t set in stone.” This allows us to acknowledge that beliefs and ideas are a result of our experiences and our environment — and that everyone is “more than the most hateful view they hold.”

Ask how people’s views have evolved 

Grant likes to begin difficult conversations by asking others how their views have evolved over time: “Is there something you believed 10 years ago that you no longer believe? Is there a new nuance that you’ve adopted that wasn’t on your radar five years ago?” In a world where so many see issues in black and white, this line of inquiry highlights areas of gray, making room to find spaces of agreement or overlap. This isn’t necessarily a foolproof solution to solving disagreements, but it can often lead to more rational discussions about the principles behind people’s ideas. 

“Tell me what I’m missing” 

Having understood the evolution of another person’s beliefs, it can help to ask them what you’re missing in seeing things from their perspective. While it can be really hard to have these difficult conversations without feeling like a traitor to one’s tribe, the process of understanding others’ viewpoints and principles can lead to more meaningful conversations. 

Grant says he likes to note, “I can see some of where you’re coming from and I’d love to understand your perspective better.” He finds that this leads to a more rational discussion about some of the principles behind a person’s beliefs.

Begin with the problem, not the solution

If you begin with a solution, such as “defund the police” or “Occupy Wall Street,” it’s possible that those who don’t agree with that solution will just shun the problem altogether. This may happen even if they’d actually agree with the need to solve the problem if the “fix” were presented in a different way. So, to avoid what psychologists call “solution aversion,” Grant suggests beginning with consensus-building. 

For example, for the issue of gun violence, begin by agreeing that mass shootings are simply unacceptable — no one should ever walk out of their house and have to wonder if they’re gonna make it to their dinner plans that night. Once there’s consensus on the need for a solution, move on to laying out a menu of options, assessing their impact from data, and discussing ideas. Then, seeing where the group is able to find a solution can lead to a much more productive discussion.

Next time, you find yourself in a difficult conversation, give Grant’s suggestions a shot and you’ll hopefully find it easier (and less stressful) to navigate. Most importantly, always remember these words of wisdom from Grant: “The highest form of debate isn’t about one person declaring victory. It’s about both people making a discovery. The goal isn’t to defend your reasons and attack theirs. It’s to sharpen your reasoning. Good arguments shift what you think. Great arguments change how you think.” 

One difficult conversation employers are having these days is the one about remote work. Here, Grant breaks down the dilemma.