Welcome back to another week of The Golden Bachelor! Things got off to a pretty rough start during last week’s season premiere, thanks to Mel’s ageist comments on a podcast. I predict he’ll only have to apologize for this 65 more times before the season is through.
Tonight, we begin with footage of the women having fun at the mansion, from Peg leading an exercise class in a flowy lace top and jeans to Nicolle and Terri playing with the puppet (remember, the one Terri slapped Mel with during her entrance…). Later, while sitting around by the pool with a group of ladies, Terri confronts Nicolle about monopolizing Mel’s time. Nicolle basically says, in not-so-many-words, “don’t hate the player, hate the game.” The strategy is working for her.
Cindy prematurely proclaims, “I am not OK with Mel trying to explore things with other women.” Then I think you’re on the wrong show, Cindy.
This week, there’s a one-on-one date and a group date. Going on the group date are Nicolle, Gerri, Robin, Amy, Monica B., Cindy, Terri, Cheryl, Carol, Monica P., Peg, and Roxanne. The clue for the date card is, “Love doesn’t have to be so serious.” This means that Debbie got the one-on-one. Go Debbie! I did not see that coming, and neither did she.
The group date
We pull up to the Bellwether Theater, where Mel tells the women that they will be delivering a stand-up roast. It wouldn’t be a roast without a comedian, and the comedian is… Jared Freid! Jared needs to be recruited into the CIA because he was the inaugural guest on our Instagram Live Golden Bachelor recap series last week, and he did not let on one bit that he was going to be on the show.
Jared gets right to the point:
Jared: I’m 40, which is the age Mel wishes you all were.
The women begin their prep. Carol forgot her readers, so she can’t even write. Terri’s going to use her puppet, and Nicolle’s working on some impressions.
Me watching at home:
Seems like it might be brutal for the ladies, so let’s skip to some of the highlights:
Monica B. says Mel is like a classic car: “You’re strong, you’re sexy, and you don’t go over 60.” She takes it further: “We know you’ve never been great at recovering a fumble.”
Cheryl says Mel looks like he’s “about two minutes away from a scooter in the airport.” She also says he reminds her of a Detroit-style pizza: “Crusty, cheesy, and square.” None of these assessments feel true, but I like that she went for the jugular.
Terri, of course, brings the puppet who insults Mel’s shoes.
Roxanne says Mel has “the body of a stallion but the speed of a sloth.” This probably wouldn’t get her a spot at the Comedy Cellar but I appreciate that she stuck with a theme.
Amy turns this into a self-roast, complaining about having no voice, being unable to see, and being short. Relatable, LOL. She also goes on a rant about how she’s the only one who cooks and cleans in the house. Jared jumps in and comments that Amy’s “roast” sounds like every phone call he has with his mom. (As someone who also has a Jewish mother, I agree.) He then roasts her a bit before telling Mel, “Do not marry her!” Because roasting abilities are an accurate indicator of partner potential.
Nicolle says, “Do you want to hear my impression of Mel?” and she goes, “Roses are red, violets are blue. I want all the women to love me, but especially you, and you, and you. But can I check your IDs first?” Is that an impression? She didn’t even do a special voice.
Carol brings up the podcast and says, “Mel likes to date 40 to 60-year-olds. That’s the first thing we have in common.” She did well considering she couldn’t read or write her jokes.
Nicolle the poet is crowned the winner, which means she gets a special dinner with Mel.
Nicolle and Mel’s date
Nicolle says that she’s been married twice and doesn’t see her two divorces as failures — she’s learned what works and doesn’t work in a relationship. She’s going for “third time’s the charm” here. She asks Mel about his divorce.
His marriage lasted 25 years and ended when his wife “decided she didn’t want to be married anymore.” He explains, “She was younger and she wanted to experience other things.” You can tell Mel is really uncomfortable and does not want to go into the details — he tries giving one-word answers, but Nicolle keeps pushing. I love that she’s digging for this intel so shamelessly. She not only asks him how long he was married, but how it ended, who ended it, how the conversation of the dissolution of their marriage went down — truly doing the lord’s work so that we, the viewers, can get all the details.
Mel says his wife told him one day, “It’s over,” and served him divorce papers. He says it was “heart-wrenching” and “really, really painful.”
But he isn’t deterred by Nicolle’s persistence. At the end of this, Mel gives her the date rose.
Debbie and Mel’s date
Mel says he likes Debbie because, “She’s so focused on me, there’s no distractions.” He also loves her sense of adventure, so he doesn’t want to take her on a typical dinner date. So they pull up to…a restaurant.
Once inside, the (apparently) well-known Chef Ludo gives them a cooking class on how to make a French omelet. If I ever got the chance to take a cooking class from an established chef, I would want something a little more complex than an omelet.
Mel says, “I like Debbie, she’s not afraid to try new things with the cheese and the butter” — otherwise known as the quintessential omelet ingredients. Really breaking the mold there.
Debbie says she watched the first season of The Golden Bachelor, and it gave her hope that she, who has never been married before, could find love. Then when she saw that Mel was the lead, she just knew she had to apply. I could see Debbie winning because this would be an amazing story: The woman who’s never been married finding her first husband on The Golden Bachelor. So Debbie gets the date rose, meaning she’s safe at the next rose ceremony.
Susan and Kathy make an appearance
Back at the mansion, the ladies get a knock on the door, and it’s…Susan and Kathy from Golden Bachelor season 1!
The women change into pajamas and matching eye masks with their names on them, which is honestly helpful for me as the viewer, because between Terri, Gerri, Cindy, and Cheryl, it’s hard for me to keep them straight. The names are all so similar. Kathy and Susan give the women a present. Peg might not know what it is, but it’s very clearly a vibrator. Bless her heart.
The cocktail party
Amy must sense she’s on the chopping block because she’s going after Mel hard. Similarly, the women all basically line up to kiss Mel, because they know the way to this man’s heart. Well, well, well, after judging Nicolle for her approach, it seems they’re taking a page out of her playbook…
Carol pulls Mel aside to tell him in numerous ways that she thinks he’s handsome. They talk a bit about sports and how Carol got divorced and lost her mother in the same year five years ago.
Cindy and Mel talk about books, and Mel says he’s reading a four-volume book on Picasso. Coincidentally, this is also what I would claim to be reading on a date in order to impress the other person.
Who gets eliminated on The Golden Bachelor tonight?
The rose ceremony tonight is being held next to the pool. If you don’t get a rose, you have to jump in. Just kidding. Four people are going home tonight, because we are moving at a breakneck speed. The roses go to:
- Cindy
- Peg
- Roxanne
- Gerri
- Cheryl
- Robin
And finally, Carol.
That means we lose both Monicas, Amy, and Terri. I really hate to see them go!
In our final scene from the episode, we are given a hint that Cindy will be the person on the show who struggles to cope with the fact that the person she signed up to date is also dating other women at the same time. She cries because “it’s getting real.” As a reminder, this is week two, so things are only going to get more intense from here. Based on this display of emotion alone, I predict Cindy is either going to self-eliminate or win, because that’s how things tend to go with the signature Jealous Contestant. We’ll have to wait and see if I’m right.
For more on this week’s escapades, check out my Instagram Live conversation with podcast Ryan Bailey below:
