It’s nearly impossible for a day to go by without hearing something new in the Blake Lively/Justin Baldoni conflict. Lively filed a complaint, then a lawsuit, last month, citing sexual harassment on the set of It Ends with Us, followed by a retaliatory smear campaign. A few weeks later, after Baldoni filed his own $400 million lawsuit for civil extortion, defamation, and false light invasion of privacy, Lively’s lawyers responded: “This is an age-old story: A woman speaks up with concrete evidence of sexual harassment and retaliation and the abuser attempts to turn the tables on the victim. This is what experts call DARVO. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim Offender. “
Now, I’ve not met either of them and don’t have a horse in this race, but as a narcissistic abuse recovery specialist who has seen and experienced DARVO again and again, this is an abuse tactic you can’t afford to miss.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender, coined in 1997 by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D. It’s a tactic often used when one is called out for particularly egregious or damning behavior and has no defense.
DARVO often follows deflection — a tactic used to avoid accountability by avoiding the accusation altogether and instead hurling unrelated accusations at the other party.
When deflection hasn’t worked, or when the risk of the truth being revealed is too great, DARVO is deployed. It’s intended to shut down the victim.
The offender denies any wrongdoing before waging an attack, making themselves appear to be the victim of the other. If you’ve followed the It Ends With Us drama closely, you’re probably nodding along by now because it aligns conveniently with how this battle between two A-listers has rolled out.
DARVO is a tactic designed to silence the accuser.
Why does Lively’s team say this is DARVO?
DARVO is commonly mistaken for defending oneself. But once you know how to recognize it, you see they’re not at all alike.
Lively accused Baldoni of sexual harassment of her and other cast members on set. Defense of her specific accusations could include statements from Baldoni like, “I never discussed having a porn addiction with cast and crew and I challenge anyone to prove otherwise,” “I never discussed personal sexual experiences on set and challenge anyone to show otherwise,” or “I stuck to the script, obtained consent, and never improvised intimacy on set.”
Deflection is avoiding the complaint of sexual harassment and instead countering with complaints about wardrobe, footwear, and creative differences. The purpose of deflection is to avoid talking about the alleged abuse by shifting the focus of the conversation elsewhere.
Baldoni’s 189-page lawsuit contains numerous complaints about Lively that are unrelated to and not in defense of her original complaint. These complaints and accusations have been perceived by Lively’s team as an attack to put her on the defensive and make him appear to be the victim in this conflict.
What does DARVO look like in non-celebrity life?
Years ago, I was working as a doctor for a healthcare organization and discovered they were doing things that were grossly illegal. Their behavior put my medical license at risk and my attempts to end it were unsuccessful, so I hired an attorney to step in.
The following week my boss scheduled a meeting to discuss my concerns and demands to end the illegal behavior. When he arrived for our meeting (in the middle of a busy clinic day), he did not address my complaint or their illegal actions at all. Instead, out of the blue, he accused me of berating my staff and said my behavior would not be tolerated.
I was 22 weeks pregnant with my 5th child and was the sole provider for our family of six, nearly seven. I had never berated my staff. I couldn’t afford to lose my job and my health insurance. This interchange caused so much distress, I started having preterm contractions, which put my pregnancy at risk. My boss’ use of DARVO effectively silenced me. I left that job shortly thereafter.
(By the way, I had a great relationship with my staff, and they were so distraught that this happened that they got me flowers.)
DARVO in non-professional relationships
This tactic is also commonly seen in non-professional relationships to avoid accountability. You’ve likely seen it yourself.
Take the woman who confronts her husband with evidence of his cheating. The evidence is clear, yet he denies it without providing evidence and immediately goes on the attack — criticizing her appearance, insecurity, and lack of contribution to the household. He paints himself as the victim for even having to put up with her.
Or take the cousin who vandalizes your car after you refuse to lend it. When confronted, rather than acknowledging any wrongdoing, she says you’re selfish, you care about your car more than people, you don’t know the meaning of family, and that if you weren’t so self-centered, she wouldn’t have had to vandalize it.
Suppose your friend invites you out to dinner, orders appetizers, drinks, and the most expensive entree, then expects you to split the bill. You ask the server for a separate check, noting that your portion is about one-fifth of the total, and your friend goes on the attack, causing a scene while loudly accusing you of being cheap, pathetic, and a bad friend before storming out, leaving those at surrounding tables wondering what you did.
In each case, the offender denies or avoids addressing their own behavior before attacking and making themselves appear to be the victim.
What to do when you experience DARVO
DARVO is designed to induce panic, fear, and distress in you, the victim. Its intent is to get you so busy playing defense against the attack that you forget about or let go of your original complaint.
First, breathe. Realize that the other person is so threatened by your accusation, complaint, or truth that they will do anything to prevent it from seeing the light of day.
Second, let go of the need or desire to defend yourself from false or irrelevant accusations. It won’t help you and will weaken your truth. Stick to the issue at hand. Provide evidence in the appropriate forum, such as court — not the court of public opinion.
Finally, stay strong in your resolve to shine a light on your truth.
Remember, in a healthy personal or professional relationship, when confronted with the fact that one of the parties feels unsafe, the healthy response of the other is to acknowledge their feelings, apologize for specific behavior that may have led to feeling unsafe, then take action to repair the situation. It’s never to attack the other party under the guise of defense.
Melissa Kalt, MD, is a narcissistic abuse survivor turned recovery specialist who helps Soul-driven leaders transcend their past experience of narcissistic abuse to create massive leaps in their health, wealth, and relationships. Watch her latest video breaking down the Lively-Baldoni conflict and learn how to resolve your own trauma with her free trauma masterclass.
