What to Say to Someone Who’s Lost a Loved One

sorry for your loss card

On grief, condolences, and what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Those words are well-intentioned, of course, but they make me feel even more alone. It’s that “your loss” piece: This condolence message suggests I’m alone on an island.

About nine years ago, I lost my mom suddenly and tragically. Three years after that, I lost my partner to an undetected medical condition. For a while, “I’m sorry for your loss” was the mainstay of most of my social interactions. The grief I felt was impossible — and made even more difficult by the fact that the world didn’t seem to know how to interact with me. That’s because we’re rarely taught to speak about loss with those who are grieving, let alone do it well. Either we don’t know what to say, unintentionally say the wrong thing, ask too many questions…or don’t say anything at all. 


Many people’s instinct, after offering words of sympathy, is to begin conducting a small investigation. They’ll ask questions: “What happened?” “Was she sick?” “How’s your dad doing?” Those innocent queries can be hard for the grieving person to answer, especially when the answer isn’t simple. Plus, people who’ve recently experienced loss may still be processing it, or barely able to string a sentence together. (Which was certainly the case for me.) While I don’t think we’re intentionally interrogating those who are grieving, I’m not sure many of us know how to do better.

As we begin to interact with the world again, many people we encounter will be suffering from the loss of someone the pandemic stole from them. I want us to get it right this time: for them not to feel abandoned or interrogated. Here are some ways to support those who need it so badly:

Go Deeper Than “I’m Sorry”

The other day, I ran into a childhood friend I hadn’t seen in years. He could have easily ignored my mom’s passing, since so much time had gone by. Instead, he said, “I thought of you so much during that time, and I carried you with me.” Immediately, my eyes welled up with tears. By saying I carried you with me, he made me feel as if I wasn’t bearing the burden of grief alone. I didn’t feel “othered” — I felt cared for. Sometimes, all we need to hear when we’re mourning is that through the chaos of grief, someone is walking beside us through the storm. His words broke through my overwhelming feelings of isolation. 

Show Up With Something 

I’ll never forget the dear friend who brought soup after my partner passed. She left it on my doorstep, and I caught her as she was about to leave. She didn’t want to burden me with words — she just wanted to nourish me. That action was so powerful, I almost collapsed with gratitude. There’s a reason so many people send casseroles and baked goods to families in mourning: A meal can so often feel like a hug. 

Don’t Be Afraid to Acknowledge the Deceased

My aunt called me recently, and after I picked up the phone and launched into a story, she told me that in that moment, I’d sounded just like my mother. Those words stayed with me all day and warmed my soul.

Some people fear that sharing a memory of the deceased could bring on more pain. But so often, reminding someone of their loved one can be a great antidote to the emptiness of loss. The opportunity to hear a treasured memory — to see a person you’ve lost through someone else’s eyes — is illuminating. 


If you’re thinking of someone while they’re grieving, or even years after their loved one has passed, let them know. Take real action that shows support — share a memory, bring a meal. Whatever you choose to do, remember that the best way to lift up those who’ve endured loss is to bring their experience into the light. 

Nicole Garelick has a day job in tech, but on the side spends her time writing about her experiences with love and loss and her thoughts about the world. She’s a mother and partner currently based in Chicago.