Because saying “no” can be hard but also so freeing.
Whether you’re battling overbearing in-laws, a disrespectful boss, or friends who just can’t handle rejection, setting limits is often easier said than done.
Practice saying this for us:
No, I don’t have time for that.
No, I’m not interested.
No.
Those phrases might be easy to say to yourself in the mirror, but when it comes time to say them to someone else, “no” turns into “…not a problem!”
And sometimes, that’s just unacceptable. Whether it’s an activity you don’t feel like attending for whatever reason, a person you’re not interested in spending time with, or a task you simply cannot add to your plate right now, it’s crucial to your overall happiness (and not to mention sanity) to draw a figurative line in the sand that separates the requests or behaviors you will or will not tolerate from others.
And while speaking up for what you want can be difficult, what’s waiting on the other side is a more authentic, and enjoyable, existence.
“What I’ve discovered after 15 years of being a therapist is that we lack assertiveness skills, which is a huge communication tactic,” says Nedra Tawwab, a licensed therapist, relationship guru, and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. “And because of that, we often have issues with boundaries in the workplace, in our relationships, and with ourselves.”
“It’s so important for us to recognize that we have a lot of power and choice in our situations with others,” Tawwab explains.
Once you do set boundaries (and they’re respected) it can feel like you’re on top of the world. “You get the same feeling that you might get after graduating. It’s like a mini dose of, ‘Wow, something has shifted and I was the reason that happened,” says Tawwab. “It’s a real way to make yourself proud knowing you dared to speak a boundary and then someone honored it.”
It’s also important to empathize with those who set boundaries with you — even if it goes against what your wishes are. When someone declines your invitation or doesn’t respond to your text right away, it’s not always personal. Maybe they’re going through a difficult time and need some space.
Tawwab spoke to KCM about the decade’s worth of wisdom she gained coaching people on how to set healthy boundaries in their relationships — whether it’s with your partner, your in-laws, your siblings, or yourself.
How to set boundaries
Take note of the times you’ve successfully asked for what you want
“Many of us are already setting boundaries. We feel comfortable in some areas, and not others,” says Tawwab. For example, you might not bat an eye asking a server to turn down the air conditioning in a frigid restaurant, but buckle with anxiety at the thought of telling your boss you can’t take on another project.
“There are places where you’re likely setting healthy boundaries so effortlessly that it feels like it was no big deal to say what you want,” says Tawwab. “But that’s a really big deal you were able to do that. Focus on the strengths you already possess. You’ve already been holding firm to some boundaries. Now how do we get you to tell your in-laws you don’t want to go to their house for Thanksgiving?”
Make the boundary about you
So you’re afraid to say no to your parents or family members? It’s totally common. Even if they’re prone to take things personally, remember that the boundary you’re looking to set is about you and your needs.
“When we say something that’s not what a person wants to hear, they might take it personally. But we shouldn’t apologize for having those boundaries,” says Tawwab. “Make it about you and not the other person in the situation because that’s what boundaries are about. It’s not about, ‘I don’t want to come to your party,’ it’s more like, ‘I feel really uncomfortable at parties and awkward and don’t know what to say.’ So it’s not that you don’t want to do this thing with the other person, it’s that it’s uncomfortable for you and you need to choose a different path.”
Reclaim your role in the family
Setting boundaries with family is the hardest for people to navigate, Tawwab explains. “That’s because they’ve been telling us what the relationship needs to be for our entire lives,” she says. “With family, it’s really important to own who you are as an adult and to assert that role in the family system. So often we still pretend to be the big sister, little sister, or responsible daughter — we own those roles even when we don’t like them.”
That’s why it’s important to be honest with yourself about how you want to show up in your family dynamic today. “There are some people who might love to talk to their dad first before buying a car or a house and that’s great if it’s not problematic. But if it is, that’s when you need to step in and assert a boundary that when you’re making decisions, you need a little space.”
Be short and to the point
Tirelessly explaining our wants and needs can be exhausting. But as many therapists affirm, “No” is a complete sentence. And when we dare to be direct, it can be a powerful tool. “The faster you can get to the point, the better it will be for a person to receive that information,” says Tawwab.
“There are times when we can give people explanations, particularly when we care about the relationship and the person isn’t challenging. But there are some people where if you don’t just say no, they’ll talk you right out of your boundary,” says Tawwab. Providing too much detail can give ammunition to the other person to start making you feel bad about what you’re asking for.
And it’s worth noticing how that “no” is received by the person you’re speaking to. “When you say more than ‘no’ to a person and it backfires, that might be the person that you need to say ‘no’ to and allow that to be a complete sentence,” says Tawwab.
Repeat yourself
You may have to affirm your boundaries more than once (or twice, or three times…). “I think about the number of times I was told to clean my room from when I was 3 to 18 years old — it was probably in the thousands. And most of the time, I cleaned the room. I just had to be told over and over,” says Tawwab. Repeating yourself, though it may be frustrating, can be a constructive method for getting your desired outcome.
“We can change people just by reminding them because sometimes what we see as a boundary is not at the forefront of someone else’s mind,” says Tawwab. “Say things like, ‘Hey, when I come home with groceries, please get them out of the car,’ or ‘When I’m on a call, I need you to keep your voice low.’ We constantly have to repeat those needs.”
However, it’s easy to get fed up asking for the same thing over and over. “We can get tired of repeating ourselves and asking people to honor requests,” says Tawwab. “You have to decide how many times you want to repeat yourself and when it becomes too much for you.” At that point, a bigger conversation about communication, listening, and boundaries might need to happen.
Remember: You can’t control the behavior of others
While setting rules around what makes you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships is healthy, it’s ineffective to use boundaries as a way to control others. “We can control ourselves and our space and make requests of other people, but we cannot control them,” says Tawwab. “If you don’t want someone to call you, put on the Do Not Disturb notification on your phone. Nowadays, we can block a person or mute them. We can take action ourselves so we’re not disturbed when they’re not honoring our request.”
