One of the best ways to deal with life's most sensitive problems is with a healthy dose of real talk — and Cameron Oaks Rogers is an expert at tackling tough conversations head on.
On her podcast, Conversations with Cam, Rogers goes deep with guests of all kinds about motherhood, mental health, relationships, and more of the important things that shape our lives. There are gems to take away from every interview, but we especially loved a recent episode with her mother, Cindy, about the realities of dealing with anxiety — and the decision to address it with medication.
Their chat was so powerful, in fact, that we invited this mother-daughter duo to join us for Reinventing Relationships, a sold-out live event Katie's hosting in New York City in May, which will touch on how to improve and better understand our bonds with our loved ones and ourselves. As a preview of what's to come, we asked Rogers about how she navigated sharing tough feedback with her mom, the difference medication has made, and why cross-generational conversations about mental health can be particularly complicated.
Your mom, Cindy, has been on your podcast before, but her most recent episode really struck a nerve. Why do you think that touched so many people?
I think this episode resonated with so many of my listeners because they experience a similar dynamic with their moms. They've seen how certain modalities have improved their mental health, and they wish they could get their parents to try them as well. Many of us in the millennial generation have the language that our parents didn’t have around mental health, especially anxiety, and it has been so beneficial in managing our symptoms. While we navigate this process for ourselves, it’s easy to also realize that many of these practices would similarly help our anxious parents.
Something I’ve always admired about my mom — and I think a lot of my listeners do, too — is that she's incredibly receptive to constructive criticism, and she's actually willing to change. From many conversations I’ve had with my friends and listeners, that is not common for her generation. Because of that, I think people loved hearing this incredibly honest discussion of how our anxiety has impacted our relationship (both with ourselves and each other) and what a wonderful change we’ve experienced since she started medication.
You'd been encouraging her to try anxiety medication for years. What was that like, watching someone you love struggle when you felt like you could see a solution?
It’s really hard to feel like you have the answers to someone’s struggles while also not being able to force them to do something. At the end of the day, the person has to want to make the changes. You can’t do it for them. It took years of really long talks and a whole lot of truth-telling. At the end of the day, I’m so proud of and grateful for her ability to make the change that was best for her.
For a long time, your mom thought her anxiety made her productive. What were you seeing in her that showed you that wasn't the case?
So many people, women especially, are wired to believe that productivity is the biggest badge of honor. We tell ourselves, “As long as I’m getting everything done, I’m great! It doesn’t matter how it gets done, just that it’s getting done.” Turns out, how it gets done actually matters a ton. If you're productive but in a constant stage of fight-or-flight and you're frantically moving through the world, that is no way to live. Not only is it not enjoyable for the person living in that heightened state of mind, but it’s not enjoyable for other people to be around. While she was “productive” in her own way, it was often like watching a tornado rip through the house.
What changed in your mom once she started taking anxiety medication?
The largest difference I’ve noticed is her ability to be present and, therefore, more joyful. She doesn't have a constant list of to-dos running through her mind at all times, and she's able to actually participate in conversations. She seems more engaged and enthusiastic about the topic at hand and generally just seems a lot more joyful.
Do you recognize parts of your mom's anxiety in yourself? If so, how do you deal with it?
So much! That is why I think it was so difficult for me to witness in comparison to my other two sisters. We are very similar people, and so are our anxieties and the way they manifest. Once I found modalities to help my anxiety, it was hard to watch her go through similar struggles that I knew so well, without being able to wave my magic wand and convince her to do some of the practices that helped me so much — and that I knew would probably help her, too.
What's your advice for others about how to have an honest conversation about anxiety with a loved one?
Be specific about your language. Make it clear that you're coming from a place of love and care — and that, at the end of the day, you really just want to help your loved one. Share how certain things make you feel instead of using accusatory statements about their behavior. If you struggle with the same things, it can be really helpful to share what has helped you and why you think those things may also help them. You can’t force anyone to change, but you can share your story in hopes that it resonates with them.
You and your mom are joining Katie for her exciting Reinventing Relationships event in New York City on May 3. Give us a little preview of what you'll be sharing with the audience and what you hope they take away from the evening.
I’m so excited for the live show! We'll dive deeper into this conversation around my mom starting medication, but more specifically, the “after” period and its impact on our relationship with each other (and with ourselves). I think this experience is so relatable to both my generation and my mother’s, because so many of us are navigating these mother-daughter dynamics. A lot of women will see some of themselves in this conversation.
