Every so often, we create new language for old ideas. Right now, it’s “tradwives.”
#Tradwife has reached over 600 million views on TikTok. The “trad” is short for “traditional,” and the lifestyle these creators adopt idealizes traditional gender roles for women, including deferring to their husbands as the primary decision-maker. While some tradwife influencers spin this as a fresh take, it’s really a tired concept.
The fact is, working as a full-time wife and mother has always been on the list of options for women. And it should be. Every woman should be able to make her own choice about what’s right for her and her family. But we need to acknowledge that tradwifedom is not an option most women have. The majority of women work outside the home — some because they want to, others because they need to, and many because they are the primary breadwinners for their families.
The problem with the romanticized vision of the tradwife is that it signals to women that to be a good wife, partner, or mother, you have to do it full-time.
This gives working women one more burden to carry, on top of everything they already manage: guilt. Arianna Huffington says it best: “As a working mother, it feels like they take the baby out and put the guilt in.” As I told People magazine, I’m worried that the glamorization of the tradwife trend risks putting that guilt back into women — guilt that many of us have worked long and hard to shed.
Women already hear versions of this message everywhere. A woman who applies to medical school or pursues a demanding career is still met with, “Are you sure you want to do that — don’t you want kids one day?” Men are almost never asked that question because we assume they can have both a career and a family. When women pursue both, we frame it as a dilemma — can she “have it all”? Men face no such trade-off.
Here’s what we know. Working outside of the home does not undermine your marriage or hurt your children.
Sons who grow up with working mothers are more likely to have more equal marriages. For girls, the impact can be even more positive: Daughters of working mothers are equally happy as daughters of those who do not work outside the home — and they outperform their peers professionally.
Importantly, equality between partners leads to happier relationships. When husbands do more housework, wives are happier and marital conflicts decrease. When both husbands and wives earn salaries, divorce rates reduce by half. For men, participating in child-rearing boosts patience, empathy, and adaptability; fathers who do more childcare tend to be happier themselves, and have happier children. For women, earning money increases their decision-making ability in the home and protects them in case of divorce. And if that isn’t enough motivation, couples who split chores more evenly have more sex. As I write this, I can just see all the men out there running to do some laundry. Do it gentlemen! Choreplay is real!
True partnership in our homes also sets the stage for the next generation. Nearly one-third of Gen Z men across 29 countries believe a wife should “always obey her husband.” That’s higher than the share of millennial, Gen X, or baby boomer men who say the same. Really? Is this the idea of marriage or partnership we want for our daughters? For ourselves?
Here’s what I hope women hear in this moment: Build a career, raise a family, do one, do both, do something entirely different — it's your choice. Whatever path you choose, pursue it with your head held high — not weighed down by outdated expectations or myths about what women can or should do.
One of the tensions inherent in having choice is that we all make different ones. There is always an opportunity cost, and I don’t know any woman who feels completely comfortable with all of her decisions. Spend your time in the way that makes sense for you and your family — and do it knowing that none of those decisions make you a worse partner, a worse mother, or a worse person.
Let’s keep the past where it belongs — in the past. Instead, let’s focus on a future where each woman has the chance to pursue the life she wants, develop the talents she has . . . and achieve the goals that matter most to her.
This op-ed originally appeared in The Lead, a newsletter by Lean In.
