Being an adult daughter is no simple task: Keeping your parents and other family members cared-for and happy can feel like a heavy psychological burden. But if you were to earn a grade for doing what I call "daughtering," I'd like to suggest that a B+ would signify a satisfactory performance with adequate effort. And I think that's perfectly fine.
With that B+ grade landing you somewhere around 88 percent of perfection, this paradigm is one I have long used myself. There are many days where I am a B+ daughter, and proud of it. I leave text messages unread and unanswered. I forget to bite my tongue. And I don’t always put my dish in the dishwasher at my parents’ house. But I did give an excellent hug, listen attentively during the last call, and kept the grandkids alive this week. Life is about balance, and I must compel myself to notice when my daughtering is “good enough” — and quit there.
Being a “good enough” adult daughter isn’t about trying to be perfect. Perfection has never been the goal, nor is it an attainable goal line. This idea of “good enough” comes from pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s concept of “good enough” mothering, the argument that moms don’t have to be flawless to raise happy, secure kids. And while Winnicott liked to help mothers improve their parenting and build strong relationships with their babies, he also noticed a tendency in new mothers to be very hard on themselves and aim for perfection. The same goes for daughters—being “good enough” means providing care and support in a way that feels right, without trying to meet impossible standards. Daughtering is about finding that balance where you’re there for your family, but not at the expense of what’s best for you.
Daughters can find themselves striving to make every interaction with their parents the very best it can be, but that level of perfectionism isn’t sustainable. Trying so hard to be a wonderful daughter all the time can create feelings that you’re never enough any of the time. Rather than a focus on what she’s doing well, the daughter who is trying to do everything right will notice the tiniest of flaws in herself. Am I calling Dad enough? Should I visit more? Was my tone too harsh on the phone? Doing B+ daughtering leaves room for self-care and flexibility, which ultimately helps you stay more present and grounded in your relationships.
But what about the gap that’s left when a daughter gets it wrong or doesn’t get to the goal line? Remember, imperfection is not neglect. Daughters who leave some tasks unfinished or cannot meet their parents needs immediately can rest assured that they are only human, and they have limits. Their parents (and siblings, spouses, children, and others) will adapt to fill in the other moments of need. And daughters have to trust that parents can also find their own solutions to the small things in life because they are autonomous adults. There is no need for daughters to infantilize their parents, and plus, we cannot do it all: be mediator, emotional supporter, cheerleader, logistics coordinator, event planner, legal and tax expert, etc. Instead, we can focus on the things we do well and delegate the rest.
But what about when Mom starts the guilt trip that you’re “never there” or “don’t care anymore”? That’s the time to stretch yourself in new ways by recognizing that these changes can cause discomfort, but that doesn’t make them wrong. Disappointing your parent may be awkward but it doesn’t make you a bad daughterm or mean that you have to go back to the way you were doing things before. The next time you experience a parental guilt trip, you can try affirming the relationship without giving up your boundary. That might sound like saying “While I love spending time with you, I’m not available on that Saturday.”
The image of what a daughter 'should' be is often shaped by cultural myths and societal narratives.
Guilt can sneak in the door if given the tiniest inch of space, but women can recognize that not every emotion is a valid one. Grab that guilt, look at it, and then it let it go and watch it float away. It was there and now it’s gone. Sometimes it helps to debrief with a friend or a therapist how you have handled some recent guilt trips. When you experience the strain of the adult daughter role, it can be helpful to have other wise people affirm that you handled it well.
A while back I bought my husband a T-shirt that said “World’s Okayest Husband” as a gentle tease. This good man laughed and got the joke; he’s a good husband and father for our family, though imperfect. Then he wore his tee proudly. Today I went back online to search and, sure enough, you can find World’s Okayest Daughter” tees to purchase. Maybe I’ll go grab one for myself. You can be the “okayest,” B+ daughter out there. Nothing more is needed.
The image of what a daughter “should” be is often shaped by cultural myths and societal narratives—ideas we may have absorbed without even realizing it. The challenge is in naming and understanding this experience when the lines are blurred between what’s expected, what we can give, and how we measure success in such an ever-evolving role.
It’s a liminal space of uncertainty and growth, where we navigate emotional complexity while trying to make sense of our place in our family and the world. Being part of this daughterhood — this collective experience of women doing daughtering — is an ongoing process of growth, transformation, and renegotiation. But understanding this broader scope helps us recognize the real work daughters do, which is often unacknowledged but nonetheless deeply impactful. The next step is to redefine what it means to be a daughter on our own terms.
Dr. Allison Alford, PhD, is a communication scholar, professor at Baylor University, and author of GOOD DAUGHTERING: The Work You’ve Always Done, the Credit You’ve Never Gotten, and How to Finally Feel Like Enough.
