The Golden Bachelor‘s cold open this week is a joke we’ve seen play out in countless shows (including this one) before. It was funny and cute the first few times, but now feels a bit stale. We see B-roll footage of a serene landscape paired with audio of moaning and groaning, leading us to believe something sexual is going on. Of course, it’s then revealed the noise is coming from something completely PG — in this case, Cheryl getting into a tub of freezing water.
Anyway, now that that’s over with, it’s on to the real action. At the house, Carol tells Cindy that she’s going to take it really hard if she doesn’t get the one-on-one — they’re the only two women who haven’t had one so far. This is what we in the business like to call foreshadowing.
Right on cue, Jesse enters to tell the women that next week is the hometown dates, and only three women will take Mel to meet their families. That means we’re dropping our count by half. We’re having a one-on-one date and a group date, and we learn that Mel isn’t handing out roses at either of the dates — only at the rose ceremony. Debbie looks like someone just told her her dog died.
Going on the group date are Peg, Debbie, Cheryl, Nicolle, and Carol. Unfortunately, that means Carol isn’t getting the one-on-one, but Cindy is. The group date clue is simply, “I’m looking for my soul mate.” Does that mean they’re going to a soul music concert? Or maybe a cobbler for some new soles?
The group date
Turns out I was overthinking it, and the date card clue was a fairly literal interpretation. The ladies meet Mel on top of a mountain, where he’s in the middle of a yoga pose. He tells them he wants to see how their energies align because he’s very spiritual, and brings out a shaman. If we took a shot for every time Mel said “spirituality” or “alignment” I’d have to go take a nap.
The women write an emotion they want to let go of on blocks of palo santo, and then they burn it to release the feeling.
After that comes the one-on-one portions of the date, where each woman does an activity with just Mel. First up is a mud cleansing, a paradoxically named treatment where Mel and Peg sit in a bathtub full of mud. They have some serious chemistry — enough that I’d be surprised if she doesn’t make it to the final three.
Cheryl and Mel’s one-on-one-in-a-tub time is a cold plunge. Mel says, “Sitting in this ice water brings clarity.” Yeah, because all you can think about is how cold it is.
Cheryl tells Mel she’s falling in love with him. He does the usual Bachelor hedging, saying, “I had a really strong connection with you from the beginning, and it hasn’t gone away.”
Debbie and Mel get to do some tantric yoga, which Debbie is not at all threatened by. She says, “What better way to know if our connection is pure than to be straddling this man and be connecting through our eyes and our hearts?” I mean, pure isn’t necessarily the word I would go for in that instance, but sure. And they definitely do have a connection. Mel all but tells Debbie she’s going to get a rose this week, because when they’re talking about hometowns, he says, “I would love to meet your family.”
Next up is Nicolle, whom Mel says is one of his favorites because “she brought me the lemon bars.” Justice for the ladies who actually cooked the lemon bars! They do a tantric card reading, and fittingly, they get the Witness card, which the reader says signifies something you’re not seeing in your life.
Us, the viewers: YOU’RE NOT SEEING THAT NICOLLE IS HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS!
Nicolle starts telling Mel about her Instagram content and that she wants to write a cookbook. This was the wrong thing to say, because Mel’s radar finally starts going off that this could’ve been what Robin was warning him about last week.
Carol and Mel do a chakra-clearing exercise that involves picturing their inner child and imagining what they need to heal that child. They do this while lying on their backs with crystals placed in a vertical line going from their forehead to their torso. This is how I imagine everyone in L.A. starts their morning.
After that, Carol sits Mel down and tells him that she feels like they haven’t gotten a chance to connect and she’s going to self-eliminate. Mel takes it just fine and walks her out.
Carol has an exit line that she was probably planning since she arrived: “He’s a great catch. He just wasn’t my catch.” You know, because he used to play football and she works for a Dodgers player? Anyway, well played, Carol. (That pun was not intentional, I swear.)
Cindy and Mel’s one-on-one date
Cindy meets Mel at Griffith Park for their date. They go on a hike toward the observatory at the top. I worry for Cindy, because she came dressed in cowboy boots — until Mel surprises her with horseback riding.
They have a picnic outside the observatory, and Cindy tells Mel that her family is super important to her and, after 20 years, “found out marriage wasn’t what I thought it was.” Cindy now has her pre-planned monologue moment: “When I find love, I don’t want to skip or horse-ride into it. I want to fall.“
Mel presents Cindy with a framed certificate indicating that he’s named a star after her. They share a passionate makeout, and she tells the camera, “I do think the stars are aligning for us.” After that, they finally go inside the observatory, and Cindy will make one more celestial pun before this is over.
Who gets eliminated on The Golden Bachelor tonight?
Ahead of the rose ceremony, Jesse finally gets to do his actual job and counsel Mel on how he’s doing while the women get to FaceTime with their families.
This is the most competitive rose ceremony so far. As we previously mentioned, only three of the women standing here are going to get a rose. Now that Carol self-eliminated, Mel still has to send home two more ladies.
The first rose one goes to…
Cindy.
The next rose goes to Peg. And rounding out our top three is Debbie! I breathed a sigh of relief. I think Debbie has a big shot of winning this whole thing — and if not, as I predicted during last week’s IG Live, I think she’ll be the next Golden Bachelorette.
Unfortunately, this means Cheryl is going home. Nicolle is also going home. My reaction to that is:
Mel walks Cheryl out and wishes her the best. He also walks Nicolle out, and she says, “When it doesn’t work out with the one you pick — and it probably won’t — call me.” Showing her true colors ‘til the very end, I see. In the limo, she says, “Mel didn’t choose me, but maybe they’ll choose me for the Golden Bachelorette.” At this rate, I would be shocked if she showed her face at the Women Tell All next week.
