I lost my Mom — my best friend at the time — 25 years ago. She never met my wife or kids, so they never got to know her. They never got to witness the almost-mythic soulmate relationship my parents had, hear her laugh (which was more like a giggle), or see how excited she would get for the newly married couples she helped to buy their first home — and the delight she felt for them in all that lay ahead.
Lynne Pitofsky was the most positive and joyful person I’ve ever known. She was a remarkable blend of wisdom and childlike wonder to the very end, until her death from ovarian cancer. At her funeral, people remarked about how she made them feel so special, and that they didn’t understand how she had the time to make so many people feel like they were her best friend.
I miss her deeply, but she’s with me and continues to shape me and teach me. When she passed too young, it seemed inconceivable that such a vibrant life force could be extinguished. But I’ve come to see that didn’t happen, at least not entirely. She lives on through the lessons she passed on to me, the very same ones I’ve passed on to my children.
My mom always taught me to share, so I want to offer some of her lessons, in case she can inspire or encourage you, too — or simply affirm the things you already know.
• “If life throws you a traffic jam, turn on the music and sing”: Try to make the most of every situation.
• Be open and vulnerable, and love that way: Yes, you’ll get hurt sometimes, but you’ll also gain so much more in connection and authenticity. (I did get hurt along the way, but I also wouldn’t be with my wife if I hadn’t led with my heart).
• When I was 9 and was going to a final audition for the King & I on Broadway, my mom taught me a great life lesson. She knew I wanted the part, so she asked me if I “liked my life as it is,” and, when I said yes, she asked what I liked about it. Then she explained that if I were fortunate enough to have blessings and recognize them, and I didn’t get the part, I could see that nothing was taken from me — I just didn’t get something extra. That perspective has helped me in many circumstances. When things don’t work out as I’ve planned, I instead see the blessings in my life. (By the way, I didn’t get the part, and her lesson helped so much.)
• Lean in — with people, communities, listening, and learning — so you can be more empathetic.
• “Don’t tell people you’re nice, just be nice”: You can substitute the word “nice” for other characteristics, but her main point was simply to be who you are, and people will hopefully come to see who you are. No need to try too hard.
• Quality time with your family is paramount.
• Live with integrity in your marriage, your family life, your love, your work, and your friendships.
• Have faith…and be faithful.
• Be optimistic and hopeful, but not naive.
• Be excited about the little things in life.
• Tell your kids you love them, all the time.
• Laugh at yourself.
• Love others.
• Encourage others.
• Be humble.
• Take risks.
• Find your purpose.
My mother also taught me a lesson I ended up needing badly: How to prepare for profound loss. Shortly before she passed, she talked about the uniquely special relationship we had, and how nothing went unsaid between us. She said something like this: “While I understand you mourning my loss initially, I’ve shown you how to love and live openly, and I don’t want my death to take away from all the great moments that are ahead for you and your family. People sometimes pass too early, but you need to live fully and freely, because it’s your opportunity to keep living and impacting people. It’s your turn!”
Jim Pitofsky is the Managing Director, Strategic Alliances at Stand Together, a philanthropic community that helps America’s boldest changemakers tackle the root causes of our country’s biggest problems.
