If there’s one certainty in life (besides death and taxes), it’s that things will go wrong. Unexpected obstacles arise. People disappoint you. The best-laid plans unravel. So when life pitches a curveball right into your face, what do you do?
Over the years, I’ve noticed a shift in my own reactivity. The things that once irritated me — a disagreement with my husband, a negative online comment, even a delayed train — barely register now. It’s a powerful sign of growth when we respond to struggles with more awareness — a sign of increased emotional maturity. Plus, the calmer and more conscious we become, the more peace we create for ourselves and those around us.
Ultimately, there are only three ways to respond to an unwanted situation:
Change it: If you have the power to alter the situation, go ahead. Accept it: If change is impossible (like a transport delay), surrendering to reality is your best option. Or, remove yourself from it: If the situation is toxic and unlikely to improve, distancing yourself or even walking away entirely may be the wisest choice.
We’d all love to take option number one when we can get it. But what about the many times that we can’t change our circumstances? How do we make the most of what’s left?
As the author of Let It Be Easy, and host of the podcast by the same name, I have three powerful go-to questions — ones to ask yourself when even the biggest challenges bubble up out of nowhere.
- How serious is this, really?
Our minds, when unchecked, will have us believe that everything is urgent and pressing. When we’re in a state of stress, it’s hard to discern what’s important and what’s not. In the moment, we don’t know what’s serious versus what’s fleeting (and therefore not worthy of a high emotional investment).
I love this question, even as a means to interrupt our rapid stress responses. The next time something unwanted or unexpected happens, instead of caving to the rising feeling of panic, anger or anxiety, take a breath and ask yourself, How serious is this, really?
I did this recently in an awkward moment with a friend. She was enthusiastically offering me an invitation during a conversation — and I knew I had to turn it down. I felt an immediate sense of dread: I knew that she’d be disappointed, and it’s my instinct to please others. But after a day of thinking about it, I was certain — so I sent a swift, simple audio note expressing my gratitude, minus a lengthy explanation. I rationalized that the situation just wasn’t that serious and so I let myself off the hook.
And of course, she took it in stride, reminding me of how easily we create drama in our own minds. Very few decisions we make day-to-day, in fact, have long-term consequences.
2. What are my options?
No matter which obstacle you’re facing, you always have choices: Inaction counts as an option, too. That’s why we start with the first question — so we can approach the situation with a clear mind rather than reacting impulsively, and regretting it later. (Worth noting here that the word “impulse” comes from the Latin impulsus, meaning sudden force). Coming up with options is a creative act, and anxiety stifles creativity. So when we feel overwhelmed, we tend to believe we’re stuck with only one or two possibilities. But in reality, there are always more.
For example, if you’re looking to increase your income this year, you’re not limited to just getting a raise or finding a new job. You could start a side hustle, sell unwanted items online, negotiate better rates on your regular expenses, or even explore passive-income streams. The more open you are to possibility, the more options will reveal themselves. By shifting your focus from what’s wrong to what’s possible with this simple question, you regain a sense of control — and that alone brings instant relief.
Fun fact: The best life coaches spend lots of time brainstorming options with their clients. Don’t overlook this powerful question!
3. How can I let it be easy?
This is my favorite prompt of all. We’re conditioned to believe that life is hard: Work is hard. Not working is hard. Marriage is hard. Being single is hard. Kids are hard. Not having kids is hard. Getting healthy is hard. Being unhealthy is hard. Change is hard. Nothing changing is hard.
So this bold question acts like a command to direct our focus to another way. Once you’ve assessed how serious your obstacle is and reviewed your options, ask yourself, How can I let it be easy? Your mind is obedient and reacts to good questions with good answers; it will select the best option for you. This doesn’t mean coming up with a fairytale ending to all of life’s struggles, but it allows you to tap into the next right move, right now.
A client of mine dealing with her narcissistic mother felt caught in a cycle of guilt, obligation, and eventual exhaustion. When she asked herself, How can I let it be easy? the answer was clear: shorter conversations, fewer justifications, and a gradual mindset shift from needing her mother’s validation of her life choices. She can’t change her mother, so accepting that fact (and blending it with putting more distance between them) was the solution for her, at least for now.
The next time something goes wrong, these three questions make better outcomes possible. They open up a sense of possibility and creativity, letting you shift your perspective. And they prove that even in a situation where you feel powerless, you might be far more powerful than you think.
Susie Moore is a British life coach, author, and host of the top-rated podcast Let It Be Easy. She’s a sought-after expert for media outlets and has been featured on the TODAY Show, Good Morning America, Business Insider, Oprah, The Wall Street Journal, and more.
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