Because building a community takes communication.
If asking the question “How do I make new friends?” makes you cringe, you’re not alone — it sounds like a concern a preteen entering a new school might have. But realistically, most of us will encounter this challenge at some point: Getting older means that friends move away or lose touch, which unfortunately often happens when we need them most, since there’s a significant tie between aging and loneliness.
Making new friends as an adult can feel awkward, and none of us want to come off as desperate. So how do you go about expanding your friend group as an adult, especially if your small-talk skills have gotten a tad rusty? If you’re not the type to approach a friendly-looking stranger in a coffee shop, a less intimidating tactic would be to find a new community.
Community comes in many forms — it could mean a group of neighbors, friends, worshippers, coworkers, or club members. The most important element of community is that everyone shares something in common. So how do you go about finding a new crew? And once you’ve found it, how can you strengthen and maintain the friendships you build there? We asked licensed mental health counselor and Talkspace therapist Min Chung for tips on how to organically build your social network, no matter your age.
As we age, platonic relationships are just as important as romantic ones
Our culture puts a lot of stock into the importance of romantic love, but finding a group of pals is just as integral for both physical and mental health: One study found that people with no close friends were actually more likely to die prematurely.
Community ties have a huge impact on mental health and happiness — strong relationships even outweigh the impact of factors like finances or genetics. Chung explains, “Being surrounded by a community or support system is important in any part of our development, not just childhood. Even self-proclaimed introverts are social beings.”
So why is it so hard to find a community?
Even though it feels like the pandemic is in the rearview mirror, the social impact it had on many of us is still lingering. “The pandemic robbed us of community,” says Chung. “We were forced to stay away from other people, so we lost our ability to make new connections. Two years of isolation made it really hard for many of us to jump right back into our old social networks.”
Part of the lasting impact of the pandemic is some peoples’ predilection for staying at home. Since “home” is such a psychologically safe space, you might still feel anxiety about leaving that place of comfort, even if you’re feeling isolated. But heading out into the world is absolutely necessary for establishing new social ties. “The truth is, none of us are making new friends over Slack or Zoom,” says Chung. “When you’re at home all the time, you’re missing out on the chance to build community through those little daily pleasantries that blossom into friendships.” The bottom line? As comfy as your couch may be, you’re not going to make lasting friendships there.
How can you find local friend groups?
The good news is that if you’re looking for friends, chances are they’re out there looking for you, too — you just have to locate them. “Find an established group that you’ve got something in common with,” Chung suggests. “It’s about making an active effort. You’ve got to reframe your thinking, and recognize that friends won’t just come to you — you’ve got to seek a community out yourself, even if it’s hard.”
Do you love to read? See if your local library has a book club you can join. Enjoy giving back? Almost every city and town has volunteer groups looking for new members. Are you a person of faith? Places of worship usually have groups for new members to meet each other. Plus, choosing a group you share interests with means you’ve already got something to talk about right from the start. “It sounds pretty basic, but once you’ve found a group, just start approaching people and talk about what you’re doing there,” says Chung. “Friendships have to start somewhere, and it’s usually with these little interactions. Everyone loves talking about themselves, so asking lots of question is a great opening.”
How can you make a good first impression?
“Let’s be realistic here,” says Chung, “Do you like everyone you meet? Of course not, so it stands to reason not everyone is going to like you.” That said, it’s at least smart to try to make a positive first impression, and the best method is with a bit of a fake-it-til-you-make-it approach. “I’m not saying you should pretend to be someone you’re not,” Chung clarifies, “but put your best foot forward.” She suggests, “when you’re meeting someone new, be who you are on your best day. Stay open to befriending people you might initially think you wouldn’t click with. You never know who might surprise you.”
How to pursue a new friendship
“Friendship is like dating,” says Chung. “There’s an emotional risk to asking someone on a date, and it’s the same thing here.” She suggests taking the first step yourself by initiating a “friend date,” and to be specific. “Take that interest you’ve already got in common and build from there,” says Chung. “If your run club meets every Wednesday night, ask a member if they’d like to do an extra run with you on Sunday.”
If that invite feels too high-pressure, ask the person to come along to something you already have planned. “Most people love being included,” says Chung. “If you want to take your friendship out of the group but aren’t ready to ask someone to do something one-on-one, you could say something like, ‘I think you’d love my sister, and she’s visiting this weekend. If you’re around, you should join us for lunch.’ By offering something concrete, even if that person can’t join, they’re more likely to think of you next time they’ve got plans of their own.”
And remember: Any relationship is a two-way street, so if that person asks you to do something and you’re not available, suggest another time to meet. “Friendships take time to grow,” says Chung, “so put in the effort to make that time a priority.”
