What to do if you’re the target of this serious emotional breakdown.
Imagine telling your partner you want to take steps to improve your relationship, and being met with a level of outrage and ferocity you didn’t even know they were capable of. Unfortunately, it’s not that out of the ordinary, especially if you’re in bed with a narcissist.
When this happened to my client Lauren (name changed to protect identity), she was so confused. She loved her husband and wanted to make the relationship work. She wanted to be able to trust him.
Through work with a therapist, Lauren had learned communication was key and that she needed to share her feelings and needs. She’d waited until what she thought was a good time and expressed herself with love. His verbal attack shocked her.
Lauren had witnessed a narcissistic collapse. And they don’t only occur in romantic relationships. If you’ve got a narcissist in your life, you’ll want to be prepared for this type of breakdown.
What is a narcissistic collapse?
A narcissistic collapse is the narcissist’s intense emotional reaction to humiliation or failure, either experienced or anticipated.
The narcissist has two core needs: narcissistic supply and the need to preserve their persona and the false narrative they show the world.
Narcissistic supply, obtained from others, is required for the narcissist’s survival. It’s necessary for the regulation of their emotions and self-esteem, as they’re unable to self-regulate. The narcissist receives narcissistic supply from others through ingratiation (things like praise, admiration, validation, and attention) or through aggression (things like power and control by devaluing others).
The narcissist’s persona, or false self, is who they present to the world. They’re playing a role, a role that gets them what they want. That persona includes a false narrative: the story of their life that supports their persona.
When a narcissist’s ability to source narcissistic supply or to preserve their persona and false narrative are challenged, a narcissistic collapse is imminent as they’re no longer able to present their false self. Their extreme behavior is out of their control — of course, however, they’re still still responsible for their actions.
What does a narcissistic collapse look like?
A narcissistic collapse takes one of two forms: withdrawal or vindictive behavior. In either case, the narcissist’s behavior is extreme and can be downright scary to witness.
Withdrawal
When a narcissist collapses by withdrawing from the trigger, they may experience intense depression and/or anxiety or even threaten self-harm. This can be very alarming in comparison to the perceived slight.
The narcissist may abruptly withdraw from the conversation by stonewalling, giving you the silent treatment, or ghosting you altogether. They’ll probably be unwilling to come together to achieve resolution.
While a narcissistic collapse may last only a few seconds, in some cases it lasts for weeks or even months. In addition to withdrawing from you, the narcissist may also withdraw from life by starting or intensifying substance use, gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex practices, video games, online shopping, or other addictive behaviors. These behaviors are their attempt to feel better by distracting them from the truth.
Vindictive behaviors
These behaviors are characterized by lashing out in an attempt to hurt the one who injured them. You’ll see intense irritability, they’ll pick fights over minor things, or accuse you of hurting them. Gaslighting and angry outbursts wouldn’t be surprising in this scenario, either.
In extreme cases, the narcissist may resort to aggressive smear campaigns, violence (verbal, emotional, or physical), and revenge. At this point, they’re dangerous and must be taken seriously.
Oftentimes, this behavior falls far outside the realm of their baseline behavior. Physical abuse may occur for the first time or may escalate. The narcissist may try to get the victim/survivor fired, challenge their professional license, destroy their property, turn their children against them, or take them down financially.
What causes a narcissistic collapse?
When emotionally triggered intensely, the narcissist experiences narcissistic injury, followed by narcissistic rage. If they are unable to obtain narcissistic supply and self-regulate, narcissistic collapse quickly follows.
Often misunderstood, narcissistic injury refers to the injury the narcissist feels, rather than the injury the narcissist causes. Though the injury trigger may be entirely loving or innocent, the narcissist perceives it as a huge threat to their persona and false reality. This trigger threatens to reveal the deep-seated shame they’ve created their persona to hide.
They may feel humiliated or disrespected and thus triggered when you don’t respond to a phone call or text immediately, correct them in public (even over something very minor like the dates of your upcoming vacation), set a firm boundary, or say no, end a conversation, or provide constructive feedback kindly.
You’ll also witness narcissistic injury when a child talks back to them, someone refuses their advice, the boss goes with someone else’s idea at work, or someone interrupts them.
The narcissist may feel like a failure when you initiate a conversation about improving the relationship because this challenges their vision of the perfect partner they believe their persona to be. When you address their dishonesty and deception in a well-meaning conversation about wanting to be able to trust them, this causes narcissistic injury.
You’ll also see narcissistic injury triggered when they don’t get a job, are passed over for a promotion, don’t get the raise they desire, or are served divorce papers, even if they know the divorce is coming.
Narcissistic injury threatens the self-protective self-defenses that created their persona. The narcissist’s ideal self, their persona, and their false reality are at risk.
The narcissist is responsible for themselves; it’s not your job to make them feel better. You are responsible for you.
This triggers narcissistic rage and retaliation against the perceived threat. When you see this rage in the narcissist’s eyes, you’ve gotten a glimpse at their true self, perhaps for the first time. Whether the rage lasts a split second or several minutes, it’s something you never forget.
When they lack the required amount of narcissistic supply or capacity to mask the rage and maintain their persona, they devolve into narcissistic collapse.
What to do when you witness a narcissistic collapse
This is a very tenuous and challenging situation for any survivor. In many cases, what you witness is so far outside the norm that it’s only recognized in hindsight. Learning to recognize a narcissistic collapse helps you navigate it and mitigate the damage.
First, ensure your safety — this is critical. Contact the police immediately for any threats or acts of violence toward yourself or your property. Get a restraining order if need be. Take precautions to mitigate risks, such as changing passwords, locks, routes, and activity patterns.
Second, take care of yourself. This is a very emotionally challenging time. It’s hard to see someone you love melting down. It’s even harder to handle all of the words, actions, and feelings hurled your way. Be kind to yourself and increase your self-care. Seek the counsel of a therapist to help you process your feelings.
The narcissist is responsible for themselves; it’s not your job to make them feel better. You are responsible for you. Work with a narcissistic abuse recovery expert to heal.
When you witness a narcissistic collapse for the first (or even the 10th) time, it’s hard to make heads or tails of what is happening. Your instinct is to explain your well-meaning intentions, to soothe the narcissist’s pain, to make things better. That approach is futile.
Instead, take care of you — that’s the only thing you can control. It’s also the fastest path to resolution, much like putting your oxygen mask on first.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, is a narcissistic abuse survivor turned recovery specialist and CEO of Sustainably You where she helps people transcend their experience of narcissistic abuse to create massive leaps in their health, wealth, and relationships. Download her free guide, 7 Surprising, Costly Mistakes Leaders Make After Narcissistic Abuse, and find information about working with her on her website.
