Master this skill and watch your relationships flourish.
When we think about effective communication, we generally focus on ourselves: what we’re saying, what we mean, and how strong our argument is. But communication isn’t a one-way street — it’s about sharing feelings and information — and that takes two.
When having an important discussion, we all want to feel like we’re being heard. This means making the effort to truly listen to each other, which requires “active listening.” That’s a phrase we’ve all heard before, but what does it actually mean? We asked Bisma Anwar, LMHC and therapist at Talkspace — and she explained mastering this skill can help you resolve conflict, and help your relationships blossom.
What is active listening?
Passively listening to someone means you might not be giving them your full attention. But Anwar explains that we don’t generally do this on purpose: “If you’re multitasking or distracted by background noise, you’re not registering everything someone is saying, even if you think you are.” In everyday conversation, we often tune out for a few seconds, then re-engage when we hear something that really interests us. The trouble is that you’re not taking in the full depth of the speaker’s message or intention.
Active listening, on the other hand, requires focus: “This means you’re completely engaged and processing what you’re hearing,” explains Anwar. “When you’re actively listening, you’ll remember what’s been said and respond appropriately. If you’re not tuning in and out or just waiting for your turn to speak, you’re much more likely to leave the conversation with mutual understanding.”
What are active listening skills — and how do you make sure someone knows you’re listening to them?
“The best way to do this is to repeat back the gist of what you’ve heard, in order to clarify that you understand,” says Anwar. “If you disagree about something, respectfully hear them out and try to understand where they’re coming from before interjecting.” There are also non-verbal ways to express your interest: Simple actions like nodding in acknowledgment, leaning in toward the other person, and making direct eye contact can go a long way.
When you’ve hurt someone, how can active listening help repair the relationship?
Taking accountability for hurting someone requires putting that person’s feelings first. Sometimes, says Anwar, silence is your best tool: “Give that person space to express their emotions and react however they need to,” she says. “If you’re asked a direct question, respond with honesty, but allow them to tell you how your actions have impacted them before you try to jump in.”
What do you do when you feel like someone isn’t listening to you?
This can be tricky, since we can’t control other people’s actions. And if you’re discussing a topic you fundamentally disagree on, it might just be best to avoid it. “When you’re arguing with someone like an in-law or family member on a polarizing topic, you might get to a point where neither of you’re getting anything across,” says Anwar. “In these situations, I’d recommend just steering clear of these topics altogether: Either change the subject before things get heated, or set boundaries by directly telling that person you don’t feel comfortable engaging on the subject.”
On the other hand, if you need to have an important conversation about something personal and you don’t feel like you’re being heard, don’t shy away from confronting it head-on. After all, ignoring an issue can lead to tension and even resentment. “If you need to discuss something serious and the other person is being dismissive or is distracted, you should vocalize that,” says Anwar. “This might mean saying, ‘It’s really important we talk about this — let me know if you’re free another time, so we can focus on it together.’” You might also consider why this person is avoiding a topic, says Anwar: “Remember that this person probably has an emotional investment here too, and they might be shutting things down out of self-preservation. If you lead with vulnerability instead of confrontation, people are more likely to hear you out.”
What if you forget something important that someone’s said to you?
Anwar’s advice on this is simple: If you can’t remember a detail, just ask. “If you’re actively listening, you’re probably going to remember most of what’s been said,” she says. “But don’t be embarrassed to ask for clarification — it shows you care about what they’ve said.”
What do you say to someone who’s grieving?
When someone’s loved one passes away, it’s tough to know the “right” thing to say. If you’re at a loss for words, Anwar says there’s nothing wrong with just listening: “When someone we care about is hurting, our impulse is to try to make things better,” says Anwar. “But sometimes there’s no way to do that, and all you can do is just be there. If that person wants to talk, listen. If they want to sit in silence, sit with them. Most people aren’t going to remember what you said, but they’re going to remember that you were there.”
How can you make yourself pay attention when you’re bored?
Anwar has an easy fix for this: pinch yourself. “I know that sounds funny, but it can help snap you back into the present,” she explains. “If you’re not big on pinching yourself, you could adjust your legs, or get a glass of water. A simple, intentional action like this can ground you and allow you to re-engage if your mind wanders.”
Is it bad to argue over text?
It’s certainly not a great habit. “Fighting over text can be really toxic,” says Anwar. “Since you can’t see someone’s physical cues, you’re going to place your own assumptions or insecurities on what you read.” That’s why Anwar suggests having all of your VICs — Very Important Conversations — in person: “Texting is a passive way of engaging, because you can take as long as you want to respond,” she explains. “Ignoring someone’s message for hours might make you feel like you have some control, but it can lead to heightened anxiety and escalate problems that otherwise would have been very minor.”
Over text, you can also revisit messages that might’ve been sent impulsively — which can lead to fixating and stewing. While memories of an in-person argument will heal with time, constantly re-reading someone’s negative comments can reignite your anger. That’s why Anwar suggests the best way to handle conflict is with a good old-fashioned face-to-face meeting, where it’s less likely anything will be lost in translation.
