How Fighting Can Be *Good* For Your Relationship

It’s common to have a partner who does something we don’t like from time to time, whether that means routinely leaving dishes in the sink or occasionally forgetting to take out the trash. (Or maybe that person is…us.) Other times, disagreements may stem from deeper issues, such as differences over how to spend money or raise kids. 

While it may sound counterintuitive, renowned psychologist Julie Gottman says fighting can actually be good for your relationship — if it’s done right. “Almost all couples have disagreements of some sort,” she tells us. “But if conflicts are handled well and used as a road to understanding, people draw closer and closer to one another.”

Julie and her husband John Gottman know a thing or two about the topic: They’ve conducted 50 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples, published more than 200 academic journal articles on relationship health, and they’ve been married for 35 years. The Gottmans’ upcoming book, Fight Right, explores how couples can use conflict as a way to bolster their connection. Together, they shared with us some of the ways that hashing it out with your loved ones can benefit you. 

How fighting can be good for a relationship

Confrontation can strengthen your bond 

Whether big or small, conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, and not necessarily a sign that it’s in trouble. 

As much as you feel like you know your partner’s deepest fears and dreams, the fact remains that you and your significant other aren’t the same, and often even have opposing personalities and ways of thinking. “It’s extremely normal to fight in relationships,” says John. “When you think about two partners in a relationship, they have different bodies, different brains, different personalities, different lifestyle preferences — and inevitably they’re going to end up clashing from time to time.”

When done in a safe environment free of criticism or shame, conflict can be an opportunity for couples to work through their problems and bring up what’s bothering them. That said, the Gottmans believe the key to having a productive and healthy fight is making sure that positive interactions during it outweigh the negative ones. This can be a delicate balance when emotions are high, but the Gottmans have it down to a science: For each negative interaction you have with your partner during conflict, you need at least five positive ones. Those positive interactions could be as simple as acknowledging what your partner is saying by nodding your head, or reaching out and giving them a touch for reassurance. 

“The secret is really the ratio of positive to negative during the conflict discussion,” John tells us. “Couples who are happy and stable tend to have five times as many positive things going on as negatives during a conversation.” 

So how do you know whether you’re reaching this 5:1 ratio? Well, it all comes down to how you feel, so don’t worry about keeping a scorecard of how many times you’ve contributed in a positive way. “Even if there are disagreements that are pretty intense, you’ll feel validated,” says Julie. “And what I mean by ‘validated’ is not that you agree with one another. It’s more that if you were in your partner’s shoes, you can imagine how they might feel in a way that makes sense to you.” 

You learn more about your partner (and the way they handle conflict)

Somewhere in the process of airing out grievances, both members of a couple discover new facets of each other’s personalities. One of those may be a better understanding of how they communicate their feelings — for instance, they may talk very passionately when they start to get emotional, but that doesn’t mean they’re angry. 

Perhaps even more importantly, arguments teach you about your conflict style. The Gottmans have identified three main types: Avoiders, Validators, and Volatiles. (For the record, Julie says one isn’t necessarily better than the other — each has their unique challenges and strengths.) The Avoider brings up concerns but wants to skip the second stage of the fight entirely: Instead of trying to persuade their partner to see their point of view, they simply “agree to disagree,” as the saying goes. Similarly, Validators raise issues and talk about their feelings, but the key difference is that they openly disagree (unlike Avoiders). Volatiles, on the other hand, aren’t afraid to get right into it, because they inevitably arrive at some kind of solution.

If couples have very different conflict styles, this mismatch can be certainly challenging to navigate, but the Gottmans don’t think that’s a dealbreaker. Julie tells us that each partner can adapt to the other person’s differences and still have a healthy fight. For instance, take the two most extreme examples, Avoiders and Volatiles. While Avoiders should ideally adjust their style by hanging in when there’s conflict instead of pulling out of the conversation, she says Volatiles need to tone down their emotional response and speak in a quieter voice. “They shouldn’t use criticism or blame or contempt, and that’s definitely true in every conflict discussion,” she adds.

On the other end of the spectrum, two people having the same conflict style can also struggle when it comes to resolving disagreements. Julie and John can relate: Both say they get volatile when conflict arises, something they acknowledge and have had to adjust to throughout their decades of marriage. “We’re very emotional people and we tend to not hold back expressing our emotions,” says John. “And in the beginning of our relationship, that was a real problem for us.”

John says part of what helped the couple improve their squabbles was simply understanding each other’s triggers: They both found that they didn’t appreciate when the other brought up issues through criticism. “We started really volatile and not understanding each other’s triggers,” he says, “but over time we got more understanding and less volatile.”

Disagreements teach couples how to compromise 

Being willing to meet your partner halfway during a fight, instead of battling it out until the very end, is an effective way to not only build healthier relationships but also manage conflicts more effectively and with less frustration. 

“It’s really that sense that the conflict is the two of you pushing the same ball uphill together,” says John, “rather than pushing against one another — because that makes all the difference in the world.” 

But keep in mind that sometimes you might have to compromise repeatedly — maybe even on the same issue you fought about last week. The Gottmans estimate that 69 percent of issues couples fight over are perpetual/recurring problems, like who forgot to replace the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom, or whose family’s house to visit during the holidays. In these scenarios, they note it’s important to acknowledge each other’s thoughts and feelings. “What healthy couples do is explore each other’s positions on those perpetual problems that are so gridlocked,” says Julie, “by asking each other some very significant questions that explore at a deeper level where the other person’s position is coming from.”

The bottom line is that there’s no exact way to determine if you’re fighting too much — or even too little, for that matter. What’s most important is the way you fight, and the recognition that conflict, however uncomfortable it can be, can be an opportunity for growth. “Conflict has a purpose,” says John, “and that’s greater mutual understanding.”