“100 percent of people go through this stage. How are we not engaging them in conversation?”
Does any adult feel comfortable talking about puberty to a teenager or tween? Or about puberty at all, for that matter? The few who do muster up the bravery to venture down that windy conversational road probably don’t feel totally equipped to answer every kid’s question correctly — or even think of the right questions to ask. After all, the transition from childhood to adulthood can be tremendously confusing, overwhelming, and (let’s be honest) downright humiliating. So you probably don’t feel like an expert, even having gone through the experience yourself.
Two women are on a mission to change all that. No, they may not be able to address the inevitable humiliating and overwhelming aspects of moving through puberty, but they’re working on the communication part — and the bridging-gaps-between-generations part. Best of all? They’re actually making the topic interesting for parents and kids, rather than just plain cringe-inducing.
This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained (available for purchase on October 10 and for preorder here) is the definitive guide to modern puberty, for caretakers and children alike. Written by a pediatrician, Cara Natterson, M.D., and a puberty educator, Vanessa Kroll Bennett (both of whom co-host the Puberty Podcast, and are mothers to six teenagers collectively), the book includes science-based explanations for all of puberty’s physical/emotional/social changes, the fundamentals adults need to understand today’s teen culture, and more.
Below, Dr. Natterson and Bennett speak with us about why puberty is such a tricky topic for conversation, how caretakers can reach their children, and why it’s so essential to keep the lines of communication open — even when it feels a bit awkward.
When it comes to raising children who are going through puberty, what are the most common mistakes caretakers can make?
Dr. Natterson: The biggest disconnect we see is how people have fully “gendered” puberty. In the last 20-30 years, girls have been emboldened to talk about their changing bodies and their periods, and that’s a wonderful frame shift. But it feels obvious to us that boys are not given the same microphone. Ironically, the process of transformation for young men is really quite identical to the process for young women: Their bodies are shifting, their hormones are surging. That [gender split] is a huge boundary that we want to knock down.
Bennett: We also want to help caregivers understand that puberty starts much earlier than it did two generations ago. You may be looking at an 11-year-old, but that 11-year-old of today looks how you might imagine a 14-year-old to look. So part of the goal of our book is to help adults understand this phenomenon, and understand that a kid’s brain development is tied to their chronological age, not the way they look, nor their pubertal stage. You have to think, This is an 11-year-old, I have to treat them like an 11-year-old. I have to speak to them like an 11-year-old. I have to have expectations of them that I would have of an 11-year-old, even if they look older.
What about social media? What mistakes or misconceptions do you see from caretakers?
Dr. Natterson: In general, people tend to try to police their children’s use of digital platforms, rather than engage with them on the platforms. I think that’s a mistake, because if you try to immediately police their usage, they will be out of your line of sight so fast. They’ll show you their main Instagram account, and then they’ll have a “finsta” [secret account] on the side that they’re really using.
Bennett: The other thing that people tend to discount too quickly is using phones or other tech to communicate with your kids. You should use tech! That’s where your kids are. Some of my most meaningful interactions with my teenagers have been over text message. When one of my kids is having a tough day, all we do is send animal videos on Instagram back and forth — right now, my kid loves sloths and last week it was pandas. You have to find multiple ways to connect with a kid, so why not meet them where they already are?
It was just Banned Books Week in the U.S.: As authors of a book that addresses gender and sexual health topics for teens, how do you approach a potentially concerned audience?
Dr. Natterson: Our job is to provide information in a non-judgmental, non-shaming way. Who are we to determine what information people do and don’t deserve? The world has, for a long time, conspired to limit the information that people can provide in different settings. So we’re just looking to give good factual information to anyone who wants it.
Your goal is to create “a world of more enlightened and empathetic caretakers.” Why is that?
Bennett: There are 44 million kids in this country who are, at this very moment, going through puberty in some stage. Around the world, that number goes up to 1.4 billion. So our hope is that millions of people pick up the book and read it, and then are inspired to have conversations with the kids in their care about any of the topics. It could be about consent, about brain development, sex, friendship… But if all those millions of people thave those enlightened conversations, I truly believe it will change the future of this entire planet, because empowered kids grow into empowered adults. That’s the future that we want to help create.
Dr. Natterson: 100 percent of all people on earth go through this stage of life. How are we not engaging people in conversation? To me and Vanessa, it’s “go big or go home”: Let’s make the biggest possible impact that we can, and see what happens from there.
You can preorder “This Is So Awkward“, or find it on October 10th at a bookstore near you. You can also tune into The Puberty Podcast to hear more tips, tricks, and scientific breakdowns by Natterson and Bennett each week.
