But you don’t have to be a parent to use Dr. Becky Kennedy’s advice.
Who’s willing to admit to losing their temper lately?
It happens all the time to parents of young children, but even if you don’t have kids, flare-ups are common in every type of relationship. Still, they tend to feel most dramatic when they happen around the little people we’re responsible for raising, which is why this TED Talk is an absolute must-watch.
Becky Kennedy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, renowned parenting whisperer, and author and founder of Good Inside, goes deep on the parenting strategy that she says is “more important than any other” — the power of seeking repair after a conversation goes off the rails. My daughters are both grown now, but I’m still taking notes on this incredible advice.
Check out Dr. Kennedy’s full presentation in the video below, then read on for our chat about the most important takeaways (including how this applies to adult children, too).
I feel like there’s a never-ending list of questions and topics when it comes to parenting. How do you narrow down what you want to discuss for a TED Talk?
Dr. Becky Kennedy: This is a great question because the TED curators said something similar. But I had complete clarity on what the topic should be because there’s one parenting idea that I think is more important than any other, and it’s the idea that it’s never too late — that kids don’t need perfect parents, but they do need repair after imperfect moments.
I want parents everywhere to know that after we mess up (which we all do, myself included), we actually have an opportunity to use the most impactful strategy of all. Repair is a 15-second intervention that can change the trajectory of a child’s life, and repair is only possible after a rupture or messing up. I love reframing those moments we have as parents and replacing the spiral and overwhelm of “Oh no, I yelled at my kid,” to “Wait a second, I know what to do next: I can repair.”
With so much focus on “repair,” can you explain what that means and how it relates to not just the parent/child relationship but all relationships?
Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on another. We know that all relationships include moments of rupture, where you’re disconnected from someone. You may listen with judgment instead of listening with curiosity. Maybe you yell when you want to stay calm. Maybe you say something that feels critical when you really want to sound supportive. These are moments that happen in every single relationship, and at the same time, we are so often overwhelmed by those moments that we often don’t know what to do afterward, so we do nothing. What I want people to know is that every single relationship includes rupture, and every single relationship can be strengthened and improved through repair.
I love how you say in your TED Talk that it’s never too late to repair. What advice do you have for parents who might be trying to repair relationships with adult children?
The goal of a repair is to learn more about your child, not for your child to say that it’s all OK. When we repair with a child, especially if it’s an adult child, they might open up to you. And that’s the goal. They might say, “Yeah, it really did feel bad when you did those things,” or “Yes, that was a really hard time in my life, and I do wish you were more supportive.” In these moments, the parent can shut down because what we don’t realize is that while we thought we were trying to repair, we were actually looking for reassurance. If that’s the case, it’s going to end up feeling bad for both of you.
Instead of going for reassurance, remind yourself: “I am offering a repair, and the goal is to get to know my child better. I might be learning about things that feel hurtful or harsh to me, but if I zoom out, I’m learning more about them, which is actually how we strengthen our relationships.” So get ready for that moment.
I would also say to have a mantra ready to keep your body calm so you don’t become reactive. If you’re talking to kids about something you feel bad about, you might say, “I’m a good person who is doing the best I can. I can listen and learn.” Or maybe: “I’m safe. This is not an emergency. I can listen and learn.” That will help you become more connected to your child instead of becoming reactive or defensive.
We all know there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but what advice do you have to combat the guilt that comes when making mistakes with your kids?
Here’s the thing: Guilt is a feeling we have when we act in a way that is out of alignment with our values. We feel guilty when we yell at our kids because our value is to try to show up as a calmer, sturdier leader. That’s really important because guilt actually is a very useful emotion. This uncomfortable feeling is a sign from your body that you’re not acting in the way you want to act.
I would say that we don’t want to remove that guilt. We want to be curious about the guilt. We want to say “hi” to the guilt. What we want to stop is the guilt taking over us and overwhelming us. But the more you know that guilt is actually trying to teach us something, the less scared you’ll feel about it.
For example: I yell at my kid, and now I’m feeling guilty. I might say this: “Hi guilt! You’re reminding me that I acted out of alignment with my values. Thank you for reminding me of that.” And then I might move on and say, “OK, after repairing, I wonder what I would need to act in alignment with my values? What do I need to help me yell less?” Then I might realize that for me, taking a walk outside most days is really helpful, but I haven’t done that in a while. Or I haven’t seen my friends, so I need to plan a dinner or a phone call to feel more connected. My guilt is useful because it makes me reflect on what I would need to make the changes in my life that would help me show up as the person and parent I want to be.
