How To Have Hard Conversations About Race With Your Friends

Since the racial justice reckoning of 2020, you’ve probably seen a lot of demands from white and BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color) people alike to “do the work” to dismantle racism. If you’ve wondered to yourself, what does that even mean?, you wouldn’t be the first. You might think it sounds like a daunting goal you couldn’t possibly help achieve — but that’s where you’d be wrong. Change can be made at home or within your interpersonal relationships every day, and the impact of those efforts can be far-reaching.

Part of that work involves challenging bigotry when it shows up in our everyday lives — even when it’s coming out of the mouths of our loved ones. Of course I stand up to racism, you might be thinking. But dig deep: The last time one of your friends or family members said something casually racist, did you actually say something, or did you just sit there awkwardly? If you fall into the latter category, you’re not alone — we know discussing and confronting race and racism can make many white people uncomfortable, even with close friends. But avoiding these conversations prevents us from having deeper and more meaningful cross-racial relationships. 

Which is why we wrote Real Friends Talk About Race. As a white woman and a Black woman who are friends and business partners, we’ve navigated this rocky landscape and learned a lot along the way. In 2019, we started the Kinswomen Podcast, where we talk about race and racism and invite BIPOC guests to come on and share their experiences. Our goal is to help bridge the gaps and build trust between people of color and white people by creating space for hard — but necessary — conversations about race and allyship. 

It’s important to have these discussions consistently, but they’re especially effective when they come from a place of love. It can be hard because nobody wants to offend or upset a friend, but it’s in safe relationships where people can be vulnerable and grow. 

Do be honest about your capacity for uncomfortable conversations.

Hannah: To prepare you for hard conversations about race, start by considering where else you’ve been evading important or tough conversations in your life, and build up your capacity for sitting in truth and discomfort. What needs to be voiced when it comes to weighty topics like sex, money, self-worth, or trauma? Keep in mind these could be conversations that you should simply be having with yourself. There’s a reason the phrase “get comfortable with being uncomfortable” is said so often about antiracism work.

Do your research. 

Yseult: You might think you’re doing the right thing by asking your non-white friends if or why something is racist, but if you’re serious about growth, it’s important to do your research. Before you shoot off that text, consider that your BIPOC friends may not want or have the mental space to teach you about racism while also dealing with the realities of being a person of color in America. There are so many resources out there that you can pick up (like our podcast and book). The job of educating you should not fall to your friends. Plus, when you do talk about racism with your friends, the conversations will be more impactful since you’ve already done some research.

Do listen to learn.

Hannah: Listening deeply when our BIPOC friends or partners discuss their different experiences must be rooted in a genuine desire to understand what we don’t know, not make the conversation about ourselves. If you’re white, avoid the impulse to share how you feel similarly oppressed, for example. It’s normal to want to connect, but when friends share their experiences with race and racism, simply validate them — don’t try to one-up. 

Do remember that you may mess up. 

Yseult: Nobody wants to mess up and say something problematic, but perfection halts growth, and the fear of messing up cannot take over the need to have open and honest conversations. It shouldn’t be about never making mistakes, but rather, learning how to take criticism or comments from your BIPOC and Jewish friends, even if they are hard to hear. And remember, the pain of receiving this feedback doesn’t come close to how difficult it is to experience racism. 

Don’t respond with defensiveness. 

Hannah: Often, white people meet any race-related tension brought to our attention by our BIPOC or white friends with fierce denial. Common responses? “I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” or “That wasn’t my intention!” or “I wasn’t even considering race when I said/did that!” The discomfort we feel often manifests as defensiveness and centering our own feelings, two toxic responses that won’t help when we’re having conversations about race. If you’re feeling defensive or emotional, ask for some time to process what they said. Focus on the impact you had on your friend, and express appreciation for their bringing the issue to your attention. It’s a sign of trust if they felt comfortable enough to speak up. 

Don’t think that apologies make the problem go away immediately.

Yseult: Let’s say a friend, coworker, or someone else you care about has come to you and said that something you said or did or posted on social media was insensitive or racist. Apologize — especially if your initial reaction was one of anger or defensiveness — but know that while apologies are a first and necessary step to making things better, they aren’t the only step. They must be followed with real reflection on the situation. This is part of the work! The situation requiring an apology is usually just a glimpse of a much deeper-rooted issue that will take time to dissect and understand, so look at the mistake as an opportunity to refine your understanding and prevent it from happening again. Share what you’ve learned from the exchange, and how you’ll avoid similar behavior in the future. Be willing to give your friend space if they need it. 

Don’t make your friendships with people from marginalized communities exclusively about their identities. 

Yseult: It’s fundamental to humanize people, and this means seeing them outside of the harm done to them. This can mean learning to connect on other things, just like you would with any other friend. For example, you can buy a book by a BIPOC author that’s not just about trauma. There are many ways to discover who someone is, and individualizing them is a good way to humanize them. 

Do remember that trust must be earned. 

Hannah: Building trust in any friendship takes time. If you’re white, you might expect your BIPOC friends to view you as a trustworthy ally simply because you’re friends. But allyship can only be decided by the friend or community you wish to be an ally to — it doesn’t work if you declare yourself one — and building trust requires time, transparency, communication, and consistency.

Do accept that not all interracial friendships make it. 

Yseult: Interracial friendships require real work, and like anything worthwhile, it means they must be taken care of. They aren’t postcards of a post-racial society, but they are possible with conscious and genuine work. When it doesn’t work, it’s OK. 

The dynamics in interracial friendships can be complex, but there is so much joy and understanding we miss out on when we avoid voicing the hard stuff. We hope these guidelines help inspire more open, vulnerable, and meaningful interracial relationships.