As the saying goes, “money talks,” but most couples aren’t talking enough about money — or at least they’re not having the right conversations.
Whether it’s silent resentment over spending habits, passive-aggressive Venmo requests, or full-blown arguments about Target hauls, financial friction is one of the biggest stressors in relationships. And while these fights may sound like they’re about $12 lattes or late-night Amazon splurges, they’re usually about something much deeper: misalignment.
Ramit Sethi — a personal finance expert, entrepreneur, and bestselling author of I Will Teach You to be Rich — has spent more than 20 years helping people transform their money mindset. His newest book, Money for Couples, dives into very thorny territory: the complex, emotional world of shared finances. Through his popular Netflix show and podcast, Sethi has interviewed hundreds of couples about their money habits, fears, and patterns — and the truth is often more intimate than anyone expects.
A “rich life”, as Sethi defines it, is an ideal life — one where a couple’s everyday experiences, relationships, and financial choices make them feel aligned. Unfortunately, that vision isn’t always easy to establish between partners. “Most couples don’t have a shared vision of their ‘rich life,'” he says. “If you don’t see money the same way, you’re going to fight over $5 here, $10 there – but that’s just noise.” For one person, a rich life might mean being able to pick up their kids from school every day; for another, it’s booking three indulgent vacations a year.
The issue at the heart of financial arguments usually isn’t the price of your partner’s coffee habit. It’s the lack of a shared financial vision, plan, and language. When it comes to building wealth as a couple, what matters isn’t just dollars and cents, it’s about trust, connection, and dreaming out loud.
Why we only talk about money when we’re in crisis
Sethi says one of the biggest problems in couples’ financial communication is timing. “Most couples don’t actually talk about money regularly,” he says. “There are only four times in a relationship when they discuss it in any real way: when they buy a house, have kids, one person gets laid off, or right before retirement.”
In other words, most couples only have meaningful money conversations when something big is happening — which is way too late. We’d never apply this logic to other parts of life: Imagine saying to your spouse, “Let’s talk about how we parent our kids once every 10 years.” Absurd, right? But that’s exactly how many of us treat discussions about money.
That avoidance isn’t because couples don’t care. It’s because the topic of money is often seen as overwhelming, boring, or even shameful. “In America, we love money, but we also hate it,” says Sethi. “We hate what it represents, we hate how confusing it feels. So we avoid it until it becomes a problem.”
How to talk with your spouse about money without fighting
Many couples’ first attempt at talking about money starts with creating a spreadsheet — and ends with one person feeling intimidated while the other gets frustrated, explains Sethi.
“Couples keep repeating this pattern. And yet we try pulling out the spreadsheet again and again, expecting a different result,” says Sethi. Instead, he recommends starting with a totally different kind of conversation, one that focuses on emotions, not expenses. His four-step script is simple and surprisingly effective:
- Be vulnerable: “When we discuss money, I feel like it doesn’t go well. I want to change that.”
- Share your feelings: “I feel stressed, or like I’m not being heard, when we’re talking about finances. How about you?”
- Express your goal: “I want to feel calm and connected when we talk about our savings and future plans.”
- Set a next step: “When can we talk about this again?”
Notice that these sample phrases don’t involve budgets or judgments. This initial conversation is just about connection.
Setting financial goals together
Ultimately, achieving peace in a relationship comes down to alignment on your finances, not just on the numbers, but on your values. You don’t need to talk about your savings accounts every day — but you do need to understand what money means to you, what you want it to create in your lives, and how you’re going to work toward that aim together.
As Sethi puts it: “You don’t have to solve every problem in one conversation. But you do have to start talking — honestly, regularly, and with love.”
Money isn’t just math; it’s emotion, identity, and aspiration all wrapped into one. And when couples can align on their vision, shift from blame to partnership, and start having honest conversations about what they really want, everything changes.
Building a vision of a “rich life” together can even be an enriching experience that allows a couple to dream up a bigger, brighter future than either partner could alone. The good news? You don’t need to have it all figured out at the beginning: You just need to start the conversation.
