Let’s dive in.
The Golden Bachelorette is back for another week, and what I thought was just a quirk of the premiere seems to be a feature of the season: The episodes are two hours, compared to the hour-long episodes last season. Guess that means ABC realized the hit they had on their hands and are giving the people what they want — more content! Don’t worry; I’ll try not to double these recaps in length as a result.
The gates to the Bachelor Mansion swing open, and the guys are cheersing to 401Ks, medicare, and Joan. It seems like they’re having the time of their lives, enjoying the pool and the weather, until they’re hit with the rude awakening that is the bunk bed accommodations. I can’t believe they didn’t change that from last season.
Guy is me, saying he can’t be in the top bunk because he gets up to go to the bathroom 4-5 times a night.
Pascal is freaking out that the walk-in closet is not big enough to hold all his clothes. He also says he hasn’t done his own laundry in 40 years, which is a red flag if you ask me. He offers to pay someone $100 per load to wash his clothes, and suddenly, I have a lot of free time.
Spoiler alert: It seems like the big drama of the season so far is between Pascal and Gregg because Gregg snores really loud, and Pascal almost punches him in the face, LOL. Get this man a Breathe Right strip, stat!
Host Jesse Palmer walks in and tells everyone there will be two group dates and a one-on-one — and if you go on a one-on-one date and don’t receive a rose, you’re going home immediately. These producers are just raising the stakes left and right. We see how it is.
The first date card gets read by Guy, and it’s a group date with Gary, Bob, Jonathan, Charles L., Mark, Jordan, Guy, and Keith. And it looks like we’re having our “dress-up” date early on in the season! We’ve got lots of sparkly and brightly colored tuxes (or suits? I don’t know the difference) because they’re having an ‘80s prom.
The guys are reminiscing about what they wore at their proms, and I want to see these pics!
The Prom Group Date
Joan comes out of a stretch limo in a strapless pale gold gown.
We pull up at an actual high school, where they’re greeted by…are those actual high schoolers? And teachers? If you were a senior at this fake prom, I want to hear your story. DM me.
Jesse announces they’ll be entertained by a live performance from 80s pop icon Taylor Dayne. Let the dance-off begin! Guy has some serious breakdancing moves…is it too late to get him on the Olympic team? Raygun has nothing on him.
Jonathan tells us he didn’t go to prom. He was the only student of color at his school, and he asked a girl to the prom, but a week before the dance, she decided not to go. He tells Joan that because of incidents like this, he’s built a protective shell. He also tells us that growing up, he wasn’t noticed by women.
Speed round of fun facts: Bob tells Joan that he has a gay daughter. Jordan says he went on a date with Taylor Dayne years ago. Gary is Tina Turner’s godson, and in person, she was “nothing like she is onstage,” he says.
Meanwhile, poor Charles L. is sitting on the sidelines! He says ever since his wife died, sometimes he isolates himself “because of the sorrow and sadness.” Protect this man!
Charles tells Joan that his wife was the only person he dated and vice-versa. She passed of a brain aneurysm suddenly. They talk more about realizing it’s OK to move on and how they reached that point.
Back at the house, Charles K. gets to read the date card. And the honor of the first solo date goes to…Chock! It says, “Meet me at the happiest place on Earth.” So they’re going to Disneyland, right?
Over at prom, it’s time to announce the king and queen. Who will be the prom queen? That’s a real mystery. (I’m joking, it’s clearly Joan.) And the prom king title, and more importantly, the group date rose, goes to…Jonathan! What a lovely full-circle moment. The newly crowned king and queen share a quick peck before a slow dance serenaded by Taylor Dayne.
Chock and Joan’s One-on-One Date
It looks like I was right (not that it was particularly hard to figure out): Chock and Joan are headed to Disneyland!
Joan says she took Chock on this date because she’s seen his serious side but wants to know if he can have fun. They seem to be really getting along, bonding over their mutual love of fishing and just generally having great chemistry.
Chock says it’s tough for him “to relax and enjoy the moment.” Deeply, same. Joan says she can “see a glimmer of a future” because she and Chock had fun and are also equally dedicated to their kids.
The date continues with a dinner; naturally, Joan emerges from a castle in a sequined aqua ballgown.
Chock tells Joan that he met someone in his 30s, got married, and had two kids. Then, he and his wife realized they weren’t a fit. He says he doesn’t have a bad word to say about his ex. Later on, he met a woman named Kathy and they got engaged. Unfortunately, Kathy found out she had brain tumors and passed away a few months later. Joan can unfortunately relate, and she and Chock connect over having that conversation with their partners about moving on romantically when the time comes.
Joan talks about feeling “untethered” since John got sick. Chock tells Joan she reminds him of Kathy, which is a big compliment. She tells Chock she makes him feel safe, which you’ll recall from my last recap, is a big deal in Joan’s book. So it should come as no surprise that Chock gets a rose.
Now we’re back at the house in time to see the next group date card. We’re in luck because the group date is a talent show, but it feels a little unfair for the contestants, who just arrived and now have to perform. Let’s hope they packed a secret skill.
Talent Show Group Date
It’s showtime! This is going to be a really important group date because, as you’ll recall, Joan won the Golden Bachelor Talent Show, despite her nerves, and won a date with Gerry. That was also the episode she had to self-eliminate, so a lot happened.
So, let’s talk about those talents.
Gregg does some stand-up comedy, and I have to give him major props for pulling out a set in like, a few hours.
Charles K. (who we’re now calling CK) punches some wood in half…and Gregg in the stomach in the process. Oops!
Michael took a page out of Joan’s playbook and wrote a poem because he was nervous. This is a bold move — while the idea is proven to work, it’s not very original.
Jack did a sock puppet show but really just rambled with socks on his hands. This is hilarious; I’m so grateful he’s here.
Pascal gives a wig a haircut. Actual footage of that:
Honestly, it is a good haircut, and $175 isn’t that bad by big-city standards.
Captain Kim sings a song that he wrote himself. Joan really loves it. We can probably stop the performances now because I think it’s in the bag for Kim.
They must not have heard my suggestion because next up is Dan, who is visibly nervous, doing some ribbon dance. He has a tremor in his hands but makes it work to his advantage and cracks some jokes. Wow, that routine really took me all the way back to ‘90s commercials. There was nothing I wanted more as a kid than those ribbons.
And the winner is…Dan! Ultimately, showing his silly side is what clinched him the win.
Joan and Dan’s One-on-One Date
While it’s not the happiest place on earth, these two do seem happy with their simple yet romantic dinner date. Dan tells Joan that he’s dealt with serious health issues because of his diabetes, and at one point, he was given six months to live because his organs started to fail. Thankfully, he turned a corner. He says that everything is more meaningful and funnier to him since going through that near-death experience. Joan says that’s what she wants out of life, and she gives him the rose.
The dinner is capped by a nice dance to music played by a string trio.
The BBQ
Meanwhile, the guys are BBQing instead of having a cocktail party, and I want an invite to this. That mac and cheese looks divine. I do wish we had footage of the fight that must have happened over who would man the grill. On that note, I would also like a hidden camera pointed at the thermostat…
Joan’s here, too, which means the men can “steal her away” for some quick quality time.
A few conversations stand out: Jordan reveals he misses his youngest daughter, and Joan says she’s missing her son’s birthday. Jack talked to Joan for about two seconds before cannonballing into the pool. This is a literal depiction of Jack:
Meanwhile, Pascal shows Joan around his shelves in the closet. I mean…we do love a man who’s serious about organizing. Keith does some hula-hooping. Gil talks to Joan about how much his late wife loved The Bachelor, and Joan says John loved it too. Joan presents Gary with a framed photo of them at the prom. Kim pulls out the big guns and shows Joan pictures of his late wife. Mark teaches Joan how to say “Can I kiss you?” in German, and they share a kiss.
Who went home on The Golden Bachelorette week 2?
It’s been so nice getting to know these guys, but unfortunately, we’ve got a rose ceremony, which means a few of them will be leaving us. I have a feeling Jack’s cannonball days are done, but we’ll see.
The first rose goes to…Mark.
The remaining roses go to…
- Gary
- Pascal
- Jordan
- CK (aka Charles K.)
- Gil
- Charles L.
- Kim
- Gregg
And the final rose is given to…Guy.
Unfortunately, that means Jack does not live to cannonball another day. Along with Bob, Michael, and Christopher, to whom we also say goodbye.
Michael’s elimination was an upset; I thought he was going to win the group date, when the opposite happened. It just goes to show that you can never predict what’s going to unfold on The Golden Bachelorette. And with that, I’m signing off, as Jack and Christopher serenade us with “My Way.” BRB, gonna go find a pool to cannonball into!
