Here’s How to Take the Work Out of the Holidays

holiday stress work

Illustration by Giovanna Pineda/KCM

Exhausted from entertaining family and friends over the holidays? Here’s how to make a game plan that’ll give you some downtime.

The holiday season is upon us. It’s a time for warmth, tradition, family and… for some of us, awkwardly trying to figure out who should be doing what. Nobody wants to make loved ones feel bad, but having to cook, clean, and decorate can turn holiday cheer into holiday exhaustion. If you always find yourself hosting a big group — whether it’s friends or far-flung cousins — this season can feel like a chore.

Luckily, Eve Rodsky is here to help. The Harvard Law grad and relationship expert addressed similar issues in her book Fair Play, and she’s got advice for everything from divvying up work to figuring out tough situations with your extended family. Ready to kick back with a glass of nog? Here’s how to make it happen.


Before we get into navigating these difficult situations, can you talk about some of the scenarios that pop up around the holidays when it comes to divvying up the workload ,  whether it’s with extended family members or with partners?

We know that in cisgender heterosexual relationships, women take on two-thirds of the work it takes to run a home and family during the year. But what I found in my research is that women are still taking more than their fair share of this domestic load during the holiday season. I call it “holiday hands.”

Fair Play is a metaphor based on how many cards you’re holding: What happens when your hand gets so full that you’re falling over? With the holidays, the big and small details to keep this “spirit of magic” alive for your children can feel endless, and they’re really time-consuming. There’s also a lot of conception and planning  —  and there are a lot of partners who do help on the execution. But the behind-the-scenes prep and planning that go into the holiday season is completely overwhelming.

What aspects of holiday planning can be the most overwhelming?

First, let me say: You have to play the holidays; don’t let the holidays play you. “Holiday hands” are the cards that my interviewees identified as being extra-stressful during the holidays. When I was wrapping up interviews for Fair Play, I was really interested in how the holidays affect couples. I found out in my survey data that one partner is still disproportionately responsible for the conception, planning, and behind-the-scenes prepping. Maybe their partners are putting on the Santa suit, but they’re the ones planning what holiday events the family’s going to go to, what craft project they’re going to make with their kids, what time the winter concert thing is happening, all that stuff.

Some of the cards from the “holiday hands” are as follows. One of the main ones is childcare. For some couples, this means finding babysitters for adults-only holiday parties  or work parties. So it becomes even more important to find childcare help. Another card: home goods. That’s the holiday decor: buying ornaments, extra Christmas lights, anything you buy for a holiday from Target or Bed, Bath & Beyond. Hosting was another card.

So what can be done with these “cards”?

You really have to take an inventory, and consider why you celebrate the holidays and what’s important to you both. I want partners to sit down with each other before they divvy up the tasks and say, “I’m baking. I’m making the turkey. I’m hosting your family. Here are the gifts for the teacher. But if we’re not going to take an inventory about what we value most, we’re just gonna stay on this crazy treadmill.”

Why are you doing what you’re doing for the holidays? Is it because of external expectations? Are you consciously choosing how to spend your time?

When I did that with one couple, it was a really beautiful exercise. In this instance, it was with a cisgender heterosexual couple: The wife was very resentful and overwhelmed, because other things were happening for her at work that were stressful. I got them to write down three or four things that mattered to them, and they realized that they only really wanted a few things during the holidays. It was very helpful.

What advice would you have for people who are navigating this sort of situation with their extended family? For example, maybe adult siblings trying to figure out who’s hosting. What advice would you have for that situation?

Have your game plan in advance, and start with your partner. Have an honest discussion and determine which traditions are most valuable and worth the effort. Then you can deal out those cards.

Next, I ask people to get granular. For example, figure out who is going to host and/or prepare the holiday meal. You delineate and assign full ownership of tasks to certain people. Then set your expectations and standards for that task, and establish a measure of accountability. Communication is key.

When you give tasks in the moment like, “Oh, go pick up those flowers right now,” It usually fails — especially around the holidays. I don’t want your partner to have to be running to the store at midnight for eggnog. That’s unfair to that person, and to you. Assign those tasks in advance and give full ownership to those tasks. With extended family, it’s even more important to set those expectations and boundaries early. I’ve seen extreme success with that strategy.

What about the people reading this during the holidays? What last-minute changes can they make?

There’s always time to set expectations . The most important thing is to state your needs, like “I’d love for you to be in charge of this thing,” so your partner or family can budget time and energy. It’s about small changes and again, as always, communication.